So it's been a few weeks since my last post. I tested positive for the flu even having had the flu shot. This really didn't surprise me because I am feeling pretty exhausted lately and I had diagnosed a patient with the flu the week prior so I knew that I had a sick contact. In any event, the flu is no fun. I seriously have never been that sick before.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. I have been communicating with my husband minimally and to be honest, I feel much better. I have avoided his girlfriend's blog and his myspace account and am truly all the better for it. It's so much better not knowing right?
We have been talking more over the past 24 hours because our children are having a difficult time. They are telling me that daddy yells a lot- and believe me, daddy was yelling plenty before we separated so I believe them. They felt like it was their fault, typical for children to feel this way. I validated their feelings while encouraging them to talk with their daddy about how they are feeling. Neither of them felt like they could do that. We discussed ways to make daddy's apartment feel more like a home as this was a concern for them. They decided to bring a book case and some toys.
I emailed my husband to tell him about the conversation and he thanked me for the insight. He admitted that he had been yelling a lot lately because he is tired and feels trapped. I have to stop here to admit that I am fairly tired of hearing his sad story. He says that he is trapped because if he doesn't watch the kids while I work on Saturdays than I will have to get a sitter and he can't afford anymore daycare. So he has to watch the kids when he should be sleeping and he is tired and yells. I reassured him that I understand what it feels like to feel trapped and that I didn't think this would change for either of us anytime soon.
I have to say that I was thankful to the Lord that I was able to let the conversation go without getting into it really. It isn't easy to hold back from reminding him that the days that he isn't exhausted he is choosing to spend with his girlfriend. But it just isn't worth it at this point.
I am hopeful that he will be kinder and gentler with the children.
From The Word:
The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him, but with an overwhelming flood... he will pursue his foes into darkness. Whatever they plot against the Lord he will bring to an end; trouble will not come a second time.
Nahum 1:7-9
My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, I pray for my children Lord. I ask in Jesus name that you seal their hearts and protect them from my husbands choices and behaviors. Lord, be their refuge when they feel abandoned, troubled and sad. In Jesus name, amen.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Would You Believe...
I want to start by admitting that this is going to be a hateful entry. And I am sorry to anyone who may read this and be disappointed.
It feels like I was hit by a freight train. I started getting the chills as I pulled off the highway last night. By the time that I got home I was shaking uncontrollably with fever and muscle pain. I had a head ache and my chest hurt to the point I wanted to cry. All I could do was wrap myself in a blanket and pray to the Lord that I would be in good enough shape to make it to clinical today. And I did. I really just don't have time to be sick right now.
Today is my birthday. It started the way that it does every year- with my little sister singing Happy Birthday to me horribly off key (and I return the favor every September). I love her.
I had a message from my husband, who had our children last night, on my cell phone saying that the children really missed me and that he tried to get to the house this morning before I left for clinical but it just didn't workout. He said that the kids were excited because they had something for me for my birthday. This immediately annoyed me because I neither need nor desire him to help the kids pick anything out for me. Period. I do not need him to placate his conscience on my behalf. So I brace myself to put on a happy face because I know that the kids will be very excited. He brought them to Walmart to pick out a gift for me. Silver plated, pink cubic zirconia heart shaped jewelry. I don't really wear a lot of jewelry, and I don't wear hearts- ever. But the kids were excited so of course I made a big deal about their gifts and put them on. He gave me a birthday card where he wrote "if you're old than I must be really old."
But you know how I really felt? I felt like he had a lot of nerve. Truly. He brings our kids to pick out birthday gifts for me (at Walmart)... Why... Because he has a girlfriend who will remember his birthday and celebrate holidays with him but poor Nicole has no one. I might be feeling feisty tonight but you know what? I'm not ready for a boyfriend seeing as I only have 2 months distance from a really dysfunctional and unhealthy, 10 year marriage not to mention that I'm not even divorced yet. I don't need him to take our kids to Walmart to buy me cheap jewelry; I need him to pay all of the babysitters and daycare providers on time. And if he was trying to be kind than maybe he would have thought to bring the kids to the yarn store in town to pick out some yarn.
This man has lost his mind. As if I couldn't have a handful of boyfriends if that's what I wanted. Please. As if I can't help the children to celebrate my birthday... As if... I sure hope it makes him feel better while he is shacked up in a cheap motel room in Maine with his new girlfriend that I will have cheap pink Walmart jewelry to turn my ears and neck greenish.
Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children and I will keep this jewelry because they picked it out and they were so excited about it. And it will be a good reminder to me of what a stupid girl I was.
I guess that I would be hard pressed to find scripture to back up this small hissy fit that I just pitched so I won't insult the Lord by trying.
My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, please forgive me for my hateful hissy fit. I pray for health tonight Lord. I pray that you would help me to recover quickly from this cold. Lord, you say in your word that you will not give us more than we can handle and I am believing you for that word. Lord, I pray for mental health for my husband even as he transitions into being my ex-husband. In Jesus name, amen.
It feels like I was hit by a freight train. I started getting the chills as I pulled off the highway last night. By the time that I got home I was shaking uncontrollably with fever and muscle pain. I had a head ache and my chest hurt to the point I wanted to cry. All I could do was wrap myself in a blanket and pray to the Lord that I would be in good enough shape to make it to clinical today. And I did. I really just don't have time to be sick right now.
Today is my birthday. It started the way that it does every year- with my little sister singing Happy Birthday to me horribly off key (and I return the favor every September). I love her.
I had a message from my husband, who had our children last night, on my cell phone saying that the children really missed me and that he tried to get to the house this morning before I left for clinical but it just didn't workout. He said that the kids were excited because they had something for me for my birthday. This immediately annoyed me because I neither need nor desire him to help the kids pick anything out for me. Period. I do not need him to placate his conscience on my behalf. So I brace myself to put on a happy face because I know that the kids will be very excited. He brought them to Walmart to pick out a gift for me. Silver plated, pink cubic zirconia heart shaped jewelry. I don't really wear a lot of jewelry, and I don't wear hearts- ever. But the kids were excited so of course I made a big deal about their gifts and put them on. He gave me a birthday card where he wrote "if you're old than I must be really old."
But you know how I really felt? I felt like he had a lot of nerve. Truly. He brings our kids to pick out birthday gifts for me (at Walmart)... Why... Because he has a girlfriend who will remember his birthday and celebrate holidays with him but poor Nicole has no one. I might be feeling feisty tonight but you know what? I'm not ready for a boyfriend seeing as I only have 2 months distance from a really dysfunctional and unhealthy, 10 year marriage not to mention that I'm not even divorced yet. I don't need him to take our kids to Walmart to buy me cheap jewelry; I need him to pay all of the babysitters and daycare providers on time. And if he was trying to be kind than maybe he would have thought to bring the kids to the yarn store in town to pick out some yarn.
This man has lost his mind. As if I couldn't have a handful of boyfriends if that's what I wanted. Please. As if I can't help the children to celebrate my birthday... As if... I sure hope it makes him feel better while he is shacked up in a cheap motel room in Maine with his new girlfriend that I will have cheap pink Walmart jewelry to turn my ears and neck greenish.
Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children and I will keep this jewelry because they picked it out and they were so excited about it. And it will be a good reminder to me of what a stupid girl I was.
I guess that I would be hard pressed to find scripture to back up this small hissy fit that I just pitched so I won't insult the Lord by trying.
My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, please forgive me for my hateful hissy fit. I pray for health tonight Lord. I pray that you would help me to recover quickly from this cold. Lord, you say in your word that you will not give us more than we can handle and I am believing you for that word. Lord, I pray for mental health for my husband even as he transitions into being my ex-husband. In Jesus name, amen.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Wow, John Singleton
We had a guest pastor who is a great friend to our church. He is a pastor from England and he preached such a powerful message on Freedom... More about his message another time.
I didn't think that I was going to make it to church! A dear friend called crying because of her troubled relationship with her husband. Their issues are not dissimilar to my issues with my husband. Though I honestly would have expected more from my husband than from her husband. I heard myself saying to her that we are stupid girls. I pointed out that these men never lied to us and we knew what we were getting into from the very beginning. I didn't realize that my husband would suffer from depression and likely have mania as well but I did know that he was very immature, that he was never going to be strong enough to be the head of our household and that ultimately, I would have to hold our family together and continue to convince him that everything would be okay. But the truth is that my friend and I were willing to overlook some very disturbing and obvious concerns about our husbands because we both were desperately trying to establish a family. We had very different reasons. I had a little boy who I felt needed a family, a mom and a dad. My friend had helped her mother die of cancer as a 19 year old girl and she just wasn't able to consider loosing one more person. It also didn't hurt that we married the "big men" on campus- oh that definitely helped their cause.
I was really torn about how to advise her so I found myself using active listening skills. She told me that her husband was playing devils advocate when she talked about how my husband was handling our divorce and most importantly, his responsibility to our children. I thought to myself that her husband was playing his own advocate because that would likely be how he would handle a divorce. I told my friend that divorce is awful and painful and devastating. I told her that whatever minimal influence that she has over her husband she will likely loose if she divorces him. I told her that I believe that women grieve and men replace (this is not an original idea but I can not recall the author who wrote about this at the moment). I told her that I don't think that men replace us because they didn't love us but rather because they are experiencing all of the hurt and confusion and pain and anger that we are and have few personal resources or life skills to process these powerful and raw emotions. So they find new girlfriends...
Just as I hung up the phone to head out the door the phone rang and it was a colleague who needed to follow up on an admission that I did over the weekend...
I rushed out the door without my bible which feels a lot like the days I get half way to work and realize that I forgot to put on any make up!
As I walked through the door and got my kiddos settled in, a lovely woman came up to me and told me that she had a word for me. She said that she really felt that the Lord wanted me to know that His banner over me is love. She felt lead to verbalize the Lord's deep and abiding love for me. I really enjoy this woman; she has such a pure heart. I hugged her and thanked her.
John stood up and told us that as funny as it sounds for a Brit to get up and preach about freedom to Yanks that was exactly what he was planning to do! He made several points that spoke to me, touched me, convicted me, left me with questions... I just want to praise the Lord for this man, John Singleton. I love when he says things like, "I'm no friend to the Pharisees." He doesn't appear to feel particularly fond of legalists either. John made many remarkable points. One of his points really convicted me. He stressed that one of the ways that we exercise our freedom in Christ and in his kingdom is by forgiving others and he stressed that forgiveness is something that we do for ourselves not the person that we are forgiving. I believe this. His main point was that the freedom that we gained through the new covenant in Christ makes us feel uncomfortable. He said that we often try to slip back into the comfort of the old covenant because there were laws and rules and we didn't have the personal choice. This made a lot of sense to me. He also made the point that in the new covenant with Christ the focus is primarily internal. He made several more points which left me feeling profoundly condemned for my attitude towards my husbands girlfriend.
The truth is that she is born again. She is a sister in Christ and I feel like she is trashy and I disagree with her lifestyle choice and I do not want her to be around my children. I feel like a better person than her because I would never make the decisions that she makes. And I wonder if this makes me a legalist... I sat there asking the Lord to forgive me for how I feel about her and help me to feel differently. I recognize that feeling hateful things towards her only hurts me in the end. Christ called us to love our neighbor as ourselves but how can we accomplish this? Through the power of the Holy Spirit- I am convinced of this.
As I left the service to pick my children up from Sunday school, a man from my life group (bible study) stopped me to be sure that I understood that when his wife offered their support and assistance to me that they were not just offering me lip service. I thanked him. He asked me if I was getting enough sleep and I smiled and found myself saying no, not really. He said, you can call me at 2 am when something is broken and it needs to be fixed. I found myself starting to well up with tears. He and his wife are very kind and sincere. His kindness really was more than I could handle emotionally. I am still trying to comprehend why another woman's husband will offer to be woken up in the middle of the night to assist when the man who I had children with and lives down the road feels no obligation to me and only a minimal obligation to our children. That's too much for me to process right now but I will write about that more in the future. I will say that if I ever really do call this man than he can be certain that I am calling him to an emergency!
This seems like a good place to return to the woman who greeted me with a word from the Lord that His banner over me is love. Isn't the Lord remarkable. Before he works on my heart and soul to convict me, to discipline me and help me to grow- he reminds me that he has abiding love for me. What an amazing example of fatherly love. And this is one of the reason why I'm a Jesus Freak.
From the Word:
The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will.
Romans 8: 26-27
My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, I ask that you bless your humble servant- John Singleton. Bless him father for preaching your word to ears that needed to hear. Thank you for reminding me that I have personal freedom and with that freedom comes great responsibility. Thank you for loving me enough to do the work of shaping my character. Thank you for being faithful and just to complete the good work that you began in me. Help me to always be quick to hear and fast to repent. I choose freedom Lord as I stand in awe of your personal choice of freedom when you chose to die on the cross for the forgiveness of my sin. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
I didn't think that I was going to make it to church! A dear friend called crying because of her troubled relationship with her husband. Their issues are not dissimilar to my issues with my husband. Though I honestly would have expected more from my husband than from her husband. I heard myself saying to her that we are stupid girls. I pointed out that these men never lied to us and we knew what we were getting into from the very beginning. I didn't realize that my husband would suffer from depression and likely have mania as well but I did know that he was very immature, that he was never going to be strong enough to be the head of our household and that ultimately, I would have to hold our family together and continue to convince him that everything would be okay. But the truth is that my friend and I were willing to overlook some very disturbing and obvious concerns about our husbands because we both were desperately trying to establish a family. We had very different reasons. I had a little boy who I felt needed a family, a mom and a dad. My friend had helped her mother die of cancer as a 19 year old girl and she just wasn't able to consider loosing one more person. It also didn't hurt that we married the "big men" on campus- oh that definitely helped their cause.
I was really torn about how to advise her so I found myself using active listening skills. She told me that her husband was playing devils advocate when she talked about how my husband was handling our divorce and most importantly, his responsibility to our children. I thought to myself that her husband was playing his own advocate because that would likely be how he would handle a divorce. I told my friend that divorce is awful and painful and devastating. I told her that whatever minimal influence that she has over her husband she will likely loose if she divorces him. I told her that I believe that women grieve and men replace (this is not an original idea but I can not recall the author who wrote about this at the moment). I told her that I don't think that men replace us because they didn't love us but rather because they are experiencing all of the hurt and confusion and pain and anger that we are and have few personal resources or life skills to process these powerful and raw emotions. So they find new girlfriends...
Just as I hung up the phone to head out the door the phone rang and it was a colleague who needed to follow up on an admission that I did over the weekend...
I rushed out the door without my bible which feels a lot like the days I get half way to work and realize that I forgot to put on any make up!
As I walked through the door and got my kiddos settled in, a lovely woman came up to me and told me that she had a word for me. She said that she really felt that the Lord wanted me to know that His banner over me is love. She felt lead to verbalize the Lord's deep and abiding love for me. I really enjoy this woman; she has such a pure heart. I hugged her and thanked her.
John stood up and told us that as funny as it sounds for a Brit to get up and preach about freedom to Yanks that was exactly what he was planning to do! He made several points that spoke to me, touched me, convicted me, left me with questions... I just want to praise the Lord for this man, John Singleton. I love when he says things like, "I'm no friend to the Pharisees." He doesn't appear to feel particularly fond of legalists either. John made many remarkable points. One of his points really convicted me. He stressed that one of the ways that we exercise our freedom in Christ and in his kingdom is by forgiving others and he stressed that forgiveness is something that we do for ourselves not the person that we are forgiving. I believe this. His main point was that the freedom that we gained through the new covenant in Christ makes us feel uncomfortable. He said that we often try to slip back into the comfort of the old covenant because there were laws and rules and we didn't have the personal choice. This made a lot of sense to me. He also made the point that in the new covenant with Christ the focus is primarily internal. He made several more points which left me feeling profoundly condemned for my attitude towards my husbands girlfriend.
The truth is that she is born again. She is a sister in Christ and I feel like she is trashy and I disagree with her lifestyle choice and I do not want her to be around my children. I feel like a better person than her because I would never make the decisions that she makes. And I wonder if this makes me a legalist... I sat there asking the Lord to forgive me for how I feel about her and help me to feel differently. I recognize that feeling hateful things towards her only hurts me in the end. Christ called us to love our neighbor as ourselves but how can we accomplish this? Through the power of the Holy Spirit- I am convinced of this.
As I left the service to pick my children up from Sunday school, a man from my life group (bible study) stopped me to be sure that I understood that when his wife offered their support and assistance to me that they were not just offering me lip service. I thanked him. He asked me if I was getting enough sleep and I smiled and found myself saying no, not really. He said, you can call me at 2 am when something is broken and it needs to be fixed. I found myself starting to well up with tears. He and his wife are very kind and sincere. His kindness really was more than I could handle emotionally. I am still trying to comprehend why another woman's husband will offer to be woken up in the middle of the night to assist when the man who I had children with and lives down the road feels no obligation to me and only a minimal obligation to our children. That's too much for me to process right now but I will write about that more in the future. I will say that if I ever really do call this man than he can be certain that I am calling him to an emergency!
This seems like a good place to return to the woman who greeted me with a word from the Lord that His banner over me is love. Isn't the Lord remarkable. Before he works on my heart and soul to convict me, to discipline me and help me to grow- he reminds me that he has abiding love for me. What an amazing example of fatherly love. And this is one of the reason why I'm a Jesus Freak.
From the Word:
The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will.
Romans 8: 26-27
My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, I ask that you bless your humble servant- John Singleton. Bless him father for preaching your word to ears that needed to hear. Thank you for reminding me that I have personal freedom and with that freedom comes great responsibility. Thank you for loving me enough to do the work of shaping my character. Thank you for being faithful and just to complete the good work that you began in me. Help me to always be quick to hear and fast to repent. I choose freedom Lord as I stand in awe of your personal choice of freedom when you chose to die on the cross for the forgiveness of my sin. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)