Would You Believe...

I want to start by admitting that this is going to be a hateful entry. And I am sorry to anyone who may read this and be disappointed.

It feels like I was hit by a freight train. I started getting the chills as I pulled off the highway last night. By the time that I got home I was shaking uncontrollably with fever and muscle pain. I had a head ache and my chest hurt to the point I wanted to cry. All I could do was wrap myself in a blanket and pray to the Lord that I would be in good enough shape to make it to clinical today. And I did. I really just don't have time to be sick right now.

Today is my birthday. It started the way that it does every year- with my little sister singing Happy Birthday to me horribly off key (and I return the favor every September). I love her.

I had a message from my husband, who had our children last night, on my cell phone saying that the children really missed me and that he tried to get to the house this morning before I left for clinical but it just didn't workout. He said that the kids were excited because they had something for me for my birthday. This immediately annoyed me because I neither need nor desire him to help the kids pick anything out for me. Period. I do not need him to placate his conscience on my behalf. So I brace myself to put on a happy face because I know that the kids will be very excited. He brought them to Walmart to pick out a gift for me. Silver plated, pink cubic zirconia heart shaped jewelry. I don't really wear a lot of jewelry, and I don't wear hearts- ever. But the kids were excited so of course I made a big deal about their gifts and put them on. He gave me a birthday card where he wrote "if you're old than I must be really old."

But you know how I really felt? I felt like he had a lot of nerve. Truly. He brings our kids to pick out birthday gifts for me (at Walmart)... Why... Because he has a girlfriend who will remember his birthday and celebrate holidays with him but poor Nicole has no one. I might be feeling feisty tonight but you know what? I'm not ready for a boyfriend seeing as I only have 2 months distance from a really dysfunctional and unhealthy, 10 year marriage not to mention that I'm not even divorced yet. I don't need him to take our kids to Walmart to buy me cheap jewelry; I need him to pay all of the babysitters and daycare providers on time. And if he was trying to be kind than maybe he would have thought to bring the kids to the yarn store in town to pick out some yarn.

This man has lost his mind. As if I couldn't have a handful of boyfriends if that's what I wanted. Please. As if I can't help the children to celebrate my birthday... As if... I sure hope it makes him feel better while he is shacked up in a cheap motel room in Maine with his new girlfriend that I will have cheap pink Walmart jewelry to turn my ears and neck greenish.

Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children and I will keep this jewelry because they picked it out and they were so excited about it. And it will be a good reminder to me of what a stupid girl I was.

I guess that I would be hard pressed to find scripture to back up this small hissy fit that I just pitched so I won't insult the Lord by trying.

My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, please forgive me for my hateful hissy fit. I pray for health tonight Lord. I pray that you would help me to recover quickly from this cold. Lord, you say in your word that you will not give us more than we can handle and I am believing you for that word. Lord, I pray for mental health for my husband even as he transitions into being my ex-husband. In Jesus name, amen.