My children are with their fathers and I can slow down and focus on myself. I slept in a bit, I didn't drive to the bus stop with a towel on my head, I didn't check to make sure every one really brushed their teeth and actually had clean socks on, I didn't rush to get out the door, I didn't start to worry at the end of the day that I may be running late, I stopped to get Chinese food, I didn't go grocery shopping this week. I found myself smiling because I only have to think about myself. But truth be known, I start to miss the bickering, the yelling, the crying, the hustle and bustle of having kids, the frustration of having somebody always yelling Mom and never taking a breath to wait for an answer, the very moment that they go away. I thinks that's a Mom thing right?
Last Tuesday I stood at a pivotal intersection in my journey through divorce. I mentioned that I spent the day crying and aching. There were a lot of raw emotions. I realize as I look back, with some distance between myself and that day, that I was reconciling myself to the painful reality that my husband is to my younger children what my ex-husband is to my oldest son.
I spent that Tuesday letting go of what I had hoped for my little children. I had hoped that we would divorce well. I had hoped that my husband would remain available to them to be their daddy. I had hoped that we would continue to parent our children together. I had hoped that our children would come first because they are children. I had hoped that my husband would continue to coach their teams. I had hoped that he would share custody with me for our children's sake.
I understood on Tuesday that wasn't the situation. The situation is that my husband is not actively involved in our children's lives while he is living less than a mile down the road and working only 4 days a week. My husband is committed to finding comfort for his pain in another woman and her family. My husband will likely relocate by the end of the summer independent of whether he gets the job he was hoping for. My husband has embraced the notion, believed the falsehood that he will be able to start over again and be the man that he is trying so desperately to reinvent himself as. My husband is hoping that if he believes hard enough that chasing his happiness will ultimately be what is best for our children than it will be so. My husband believes that the peace that he is experiencing is a spiritual experience and I would have to agree with him but I would add that every thing that is spiritual is not of the Lord.
So how do you know? How do you know if the peace that you are feeling is from the Lord or if it is a false peace that comes from principalities? Kent said on Sunday that you hold it up to the bible, which is our plumb line. I agree with him. I would add that you seek the advice of godly people which is different than religious people. You need to proceed with caution being sure that you are providing these people a realistic view of your circumstances and you also need to be faithful not to advice shop until you eventually find someone who will tell you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. Lastly, I would say that you need to pray and wait on the Lord.
Here's the thing, I know how to parent children when their father is undependable and makes poor choices. My oldest son's father has helped me to perfect parenting a child without bashing or belittling his father even though I detest every thing about him. I have become very skilled at saying, I'm sorry that you miss your daddy, I'm sorry that your daddy did that. I am skilled at affirming his feelings while being mindful not to bash his father to him.
I just never thought that I would have to use all of the skills that I have learned over the past 16 years with my younger children. I learned many years ago that children are very wise and when left to figure situations out they do. By the time my oldest son was 3 he understood more about the reality of his father than anything that I could have told him. Our children live that reality- they know it well. And this is why I can say to my husband without a bit of doubt or hesitation that walking away to chase his happiness will never be what is best for our children. Our children will never feel that having him leave was worth the price of loosing him. It just won't balance out that way.
While I was wrestling with the decision to divorce, my oldest son said to me that he was afraid that my younger son would be just like my husband. My son was noticing their common personality traits. He said that if my younger son ever acts like my husband than he will not sit back and watch but rather confront him. (Honestly, I think that his words were more or less that he would kick his butt but nonetheless...) I acknowledged that Jack and his dad have similar personalities much like he and his father have similar personalities. I noted that even though he had some very similar traits as his father, he wasn't his father. I wondered if he understood why. He smiled and said because of you. I said that although my husband and my ex-husband are different men and were raised in very different families neither of them possess the ability to talk about their feelings, acknowledge their feelings or be self-aware. I pointed out to my son that both he and his brother have those skills and those skills will be what make them different from their fathers. And I acknowledged that yes, in our family, we do not support inappropriate behavior, we confront it, we own it, we are accountable for it and most importantly, we take responsibility for it .
From the Word:
Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.
1 Corinthians 7:24
A prudent person foresees the danger ahead and takes precautions; the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.
Proverbs 22:3 NLT
My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, my husband is listening to the voice that is whispering in his ear. Father, I ask you speak loudly and clearly to his heart. Lord God, leave no room for misinterpretations, cause him to fall to his knees like Moses did at the burning bush and know that what he is hearing is the will of God. Father, like wise, I pray for myself, help me to foresee the dangers that are ahead and take precautions. Holy Spirit, give me your sight so that I do not walk blindly and suffer the consequences. In Jesus name, amen.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Me And My Boy
There was a cartoon that my oldest son watched when he was in preschool and I believe that it was called Busy Town. In any event, there were brothers and one of the boys had a cheerful personality and one of the boys was very disagreeable. My middle son is certainly a combination of these brothers but I have had to chuckle over the past 8 years of his life because there are times that he is absolutely disagreeable.
My middle son was a very difficult baby. I had him 7 years after my oldest son who had been a very easy baby (as if he had much of a choice right, considering I was 18!). My middle son cried for the first 7 months of his life. The pediatrician said that he had colic but he had more than just colic. If he was awake than he was screaming. He screamed so much that it literally became back ground noise to our family. I don't recall ever feeling angry with him; there was never a time when I felt like I needed to just shut him up.
I do recall that I had a very difficult time bonding with him. I was so close to my oldest son and here was this baby who I had so anticipated yet all he did was scream. Nursing him was a nightmare. He would scream and scream and I would have to firmly pat his back and bottom during every feeding. There were many nights that I laid in bed and cried to my husband that I just didn't feel a bond to this child. He was the type of kid that would have gone home with anyone.
When he learned to roll it was like a switch went off in him head and the screaming stopped. Suddenly, after 7 months of screaming- there was silence. That is until he learned how to say "no".
He has always been a sensitive, gentle and caring boy. I can remember our first parent teacher conference when he was in nursery school. The teacher went on and on about how calm he was and how good he was. I remember my husband and I got out to the parking lot and hesitated to ask each other if she knew that we were Jack's parents... He is a wonderful friend to everyone. I have never met a child who wasn't Jack's best friend. And when children are mean- my son has the ability to rationalize why they may be behaving that way. He will often say to me that so and so was not being nice today but he will add, you know mom- I don't think he has a very good life at home. In first grade, his teacher told us that there is a time of day where kids have to pair up and he picks names out of a jar. He said that no matter which child it was, when they found out that they were paired with our son they would yell, "yes!". He is just that type of kid.
I think that the reason that it was such a surprise to hear how well adjusted our son was at school was because there were definitely some behaviors that we had noticed at home that were concerning. Homework was a battle to end all battles. When I ask him to clean his room he will refuse and when given the option of cleaning or loosing all of his toys he will often choose to loose his belongings. I had to drag him out of bed in the morning and force him to go to school for most of first and second grade. But once we pulled in- he was fine. Thankfully, this is a rare instance in third grade.
He will dig his heels in and battle every step of the way. By the end of first grade I realized that he suffered from anxiety and considering my husband has anxiety and I am a worrier... that didn't surprise me. I found myself saying to my 5 year old daughter on more than one occasion when she was mimicking my son's disagreeable behavior, "come on, I expect more from you.". The impact of this statement hit me hard. The reality is that I do expect more of my 5 year old than I do of my 8 year old at times.
The interesting thing about my son is that he can work himself up to yelling and screaming. I may have to assist him in hand over hand activities some times but in the end, he always sincerely apologizes.
My son's personality is very similar to my husband's and I have noticed for many years that my extreme frustration with him is often transferred frustration with my husband. Of my 3 children, I was the most concerned about telling my middle son that we were divorcing. And do you know- he is the child who has honestly handled the divorce the best. He talks when he needs to talk and he has otherwise been ok. His disagreeable behaviors have significantly decreased to the point that I feel like some of his most concerning behavior was in response to the tension in our home. He has amazed me really.
My son and I are developing a bond that we haven't had before. I am finding myself able to relate to him for the first time in 8 years. I feel like I am getting to know who he really is. And I feel so blessed.
Today I was getting my youngest children ready to go spend 4 days with my husband and his parents. At one point, my son sat down and said that he didn't really want to go for 4 days. I kneeled down in front of where he was sitting so that we were at eye level. I told him that I love him very much. I told him that I always miss him when he is gone but that I love that he will get to spend time with his dad and his grandparents. I told him that no matter what, I would always be here and would never go anywhere. I made a point to add that I wasn't trying to say that his dad wouldn't always be here but rather to reassure him that I always would. He doesn't have to worry about me going anywhere. He said that he understood and he certainly seemed to really understand my point.
This was a very special moment with my very special son.
From the Word:
The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he understands how weak we are; he knows we are only dust.
Psalm 103:13-14
My Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, I love these versus! Thank you for understanding how weak we are and knowing that we are only dust. Thank you Father for my middle son. Thank you for the calmness that I see in him. Lord, I know that this calmness is your gift to him just as he is your gift to me. Help me to be quick to reassure him that we are going to be okay and help him to believe my words. Bring dependable men into his life Lord who reflect your love. I ask that you seal his heart from his familial anxiety and give him peace in the knowledge that you have a father heart. In Jesus name, amen.
My middle son was a very difficult baby. I had him 7 years after my oldest son who had been a very easy baby (as if he had much of a choice right, considering I was 18!). My middle son cried for the first 7 months of his life. The pediatrician said that he had colic but he had more than just colic. If he was awake than he was screaming. He screamed so much that it literally became back ground noise to our family. I don't recall ever feeling angry with him; there was never a time when I felt like I needed to just shut him up.
I do recall that I had a very difficult time bonding with him. I was so close to my oldest son and here was this baby who I had so anticipated yet all he did was scream. Nursing him was a nightmare. He would scream and scream and I would have to firmly pat his back and bottom during every feeding. There were many nights that I laid in bed and cried to my husband that I just didn't feel a bond to this child. He was the type of kid that would have gone home with anyone.
When he learned to roll it was like a switch went off in him head and the screaming stopped. Suddenly, after 7 months of screaming- there was silence. That is until he learned how to say "no".
He has always been a sensitive, gentle and caring boy. I can remember our first parent teacher conference when he was in nursery school. The teacher went on and on about how calm he was and how good he was. I remember my husband and I got out to the parking lot and hesitated to ask each other if she knew that we were Jack's parents... He is a wonderful friend to everyone. I have never met a child who wasn't Jack's best friend. And when children are mean- my son has the ability to rationalize why they may be behaving that way. He will often say to me that so and so was not being nice today but he will add, you know mom- I don't think he has a very good life at home. In first grade, his teacher told us that there is a time of day where kids have to pair up and he picks names out of a jar. He said that no matter which child it was, when they found out that they were paired with our son they would yell, "yes!". He is just that type of kid.
I think that the reason that it was such a surprise to hear how well adjusted our son was at school was because there were definitely some behaviors that we had noticed at home that were concerning. Homework was a battle to end all battles. When I ask him to clean his room he will refuse and when given the option of cleaning or loosing all of his toys he will often choose to loose his belongings. I had to drag him out of bed in the morning and force him to go to school for most of first and second grade. But once we pulled in- he was fine. Thankfully, this is a rare instance in third grade.
He will dig his heels in and battle every step of the way. By the end of first grade I realized that he suffered from anxiety and considering my husband has anxiety and I am a worrier... that didn't surprise me. I found myself saying to my 5 year old daughter on more than one occasion when she was mimicking my son's disagreeable behavior, "come on, I expect more from you.". The impact of this statement hit me hard. The reality is that I do expect more of my 5 year old than I do of my 8 year old at times.
The interesting thing about my son is that he can work himself up to yelling and screaming. I may have to assist him in hand over hand activities some times but in the end, he always sincerely apologizes.
My son's personality is very similar to my husband's and I have noticed for many years that my extreme frustration with him is often transferred frustration with my husband. Of my 3 children, I was the most concerned about telling my middle son that we were divorcing. And do you know- he is the child who has honestly handled the divorce the best. He talks when he needs to talk and he has otherwise been ok. His disagreeable behaviors have significantly decreased to the point that I feel like some of his most concerning behavior was in response to the tension in our home. He has amazed me really.
My son and I are developing a bond that we haven't had before. I am finding myself able to relate to him for the first time in 8 years. I feel like I am getting to know who he really is. And I feel so blessed.
Today I was getting my youngest children ready to go spend 4 days with my husband and his parents. At one point, my son sat down and said that he didn't really want to go for 4 days. I kneeled down in front of where he was sitting so that we were at eye level. I told him that I love him very much. I told him that I always miss him when he is gone but that I love that he will get to spend time with his dad and his grandparents. I told him that no matter what, I would always be here and would never go anywhere. I made a point to add that I wasn't trying to say that his dad wouldn't always be here but rather to reassure him that I always would. He doesn't have to worry about me going anywhere. He said that he understood and he certainly seemed to really understand my point.
This was a very special moment with my very special son.
From the Word:
The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he understands how weak we are; he knows we are only dust.
Psalm 103:13-14
My Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, I love these versus! Thank you for understanding how weak we are and knowing that we are only dust. Thank you Father for my middle son. Thank you for the calmness that I see in him. Lord, I know that this calmness is your gift to him just as he is your gift to me. Help me to be quick to reassure him that we are going to be okay and help him to believe my words. Bring dependable men into his life Lord who reflect your love. I ask that you seal his heart from his familial anxiety and give him peace in the knowledge that you have a father heart. In Jesus name, amen.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Getting Recentered
This week has not been my best week ever!
I worked for Hospice on Monday and reached a saturation point with death and dying. I did two admissions, both urgent and actively dying and I did 5 visits most of which were actively dying- one patient died after my visit but before I left the facility...
I spent Tuesday crying and grieving my failed marriage, my husband walking away from our family, feeling dispensable and easily replaceable. And lonely too, I suppose.
I was out of the house for 14 hours on Wednesday.
Thursday I was still very fragile, my oldest son asked to stay after at school to work on a sophomore class project for winter carnival. He lost his cell phone so I had no way to be in touch with him. I was expecting him on the late bus around 5:15pm. By 8:00pm I was feeling like one of those single mother's who doesn't even know where her child is... He called to check in at 8:30pm, he wasn't packed for his flight out to see his Dad the next day, none of his chores were done and he lets me know that he will be home around 12:00am because that is as late as they can stay. It starts to come back to me from the previous year... I am too exhausted to protest and on some level am comforted that he is involved and engaged at school, supervised and participating but this doesn't stop me from laying into him about his lack of preparedness and communication. I hang up the phone both annoyed with him and myself. Why couldn't I just be supportive? Why did I need to lay into him? Why? I realize that I have no idea if my husband is planning to help me tomorrow with transportation to the airport in Boston or watching our younger children so I send him an email.
Friday morning I wake up to an email from my husband that entails a long list of excuses. I realize that I will just bring the little kids with me. We get to the airport and through the gate with 2.5 hours to spare. We decide to sit down and have dinner at a restaurant. My son has a 7:10 flight out. At 6:38 I look at my watch because the kids ask about dessert. I think 7:10, sure we have some time. We head over to the gate around 6:50 and you may have guessed, we had missed the flight. I was shocked because you see, we are not novices to this whole flying out to see dad thing. We do this all the time. I am wracking my mind trying to understand how I let this happen. How did I mistake departure time for boarding time? Because I am absolutely exhausted, that's how. I am standing there in disbelief trying to decide what to do and dreading the thought of having to call my son's father and let him know that we missed the flight. Of course, it was the last flight out. The attendant was very kind and rebooked my son on the first flight out the next morning- 7:00am. I'm standing there trying to decide if I should drive back home and get up and leave the house by 4am- which would be pushing it. Should I rent a hotel room near Boston? That won't be affordable... Thank God for mother's right? I call mine to problem solve as I have mentioned that I am exhausted... In the end, I was able to rent a room that the airline reserved at a reduced rate, we got settled in around 8:45pm. And by the way, my son's father was kind regarding the whole situation which I wasn't really prepared for but appreciated more than I can say.
Saturday morning we were up at 4:45am and back at the airport by 5:45am. I got my son through the gate and was heading back home by 6:15am, got home around 7:45am got ready for work, got the kids ready to spend the day with my parents, dropped my kids off at my parents and arrived at work by 9:30am only to discover that I had 5 visits and an admission at 3 different facilities with a good bit of distance between. I walked through the door of my house about 15 minutes before my parents arrived to drop the my little kids off.
Mean while, my husband and I have been going back and forth via email regarding the fact that our children miss him, February vacation is his break with the kids this year, he made no plans with his employer to take any time off of work and he is not planning to miss his weekly Wednesday trip to visit his girlfriend in Maine. My husband finally says that he is planning to take the kids to his parents house for the week. And this is fine with me. Our kids will get to spend some time with their dad and he will be around other people so hopefully he will actually spend time with the kids and not on-line or sleeping. And I will get a 4 day break to hopefully, focus on some school work as I have done the bare minimum.
My husband and I are also reliving some very old fights via email. These fights include the fact that he feels that he has made so many changes since he moved out and I have made none, that he is broke and doesn't have enough money and this is my fault because he needs to be completely available to me to assist with the kids even though he is only really spending Tuesdays with the kids. I am so tired of these fights and here's the bottom line:
I worked for Hospice on Monday and reached a saturation point with death and dying. I did two admissions, both urgent and actively dying and I did 5 visits most of which were actively dying- one patient died after my visit but before I left the facility...
I spent Tuesday crying and grieving my failed marriage, my husband walking away from our family, feeling dispensable and easily replaceable. And lonely too, I suppose.
I was out of the house for 14 hours on Wednesday.
Thursday I was still very fragile, my oldest son asked to stay after at school to work on a sophomore class project for winter carnival. He lost his cell phone so I had no way to be in touch with him. I was expecting him on the late bus around 5:15pm. By 8:00pm I was feeling like one of those single mother's who doesn't even know where her child is... He called to check in at 8:30pm, he wasn't packed for his flight out to see his Dad the next day, none of his chores were done and he lets me know that he will be home around 12:00am because that is as late as they can stay. It starts to come back to me from the previous year... I am too exhausted to protest and on some level am comforted that he is involved and engaged at school, supervised and participating but this doesn't stop me from laying into him about his lack of preparedness and communication. I hang up the phone both annoyed with him and myself. Why couldn't I just be supportive? Why did I need to lay into him? Why? I realize that I have no idea if my husband is planning to help me tomorrow with transportation to the airport in Boston or watching our younger children so I send him an email.
Friday morning I wake up to an email from my husband that entails a long list of excuses. I realize that I will just bring the little kids with me. We get to the airport and through the gate with 2.5 hours to spare. We decide to sit down and have dinner at a restaurant. My son has a 7:10 flight out. At 6:38 I look at my watch because the kids ask about dessert. I think 7:10, sure we have some time. We head over to the gate around 6:50 and you may have guessed, we had missed the flight. I was shocked because you see, we are not novices to this whole flying out to see dad thing. We do this all the time. I am wracking my mind trying to understand how I let this happen. How did I mistake departure time for boarding time? Because I am absolutely exhausted, that's how. I am standing there in disbelief trying to decide what to do and dreading the thought of having to call my son's father and let him know that we missed the flight. Of course, it was the last flight out. The attendant was very kind and rebooked my son on the first flight out the next morning- 7:00am. I'm standing there trying to decide if I should drive back home and get up and leave the house by 4am- which would be pushing it. Should I rent a hotel room near Boston? That won't be affordable... Thank God for mother's right? I call mine to problem solve as I have mentioned that I am exhausted... In the end, I was able to rent a room that the airline reserved at a reduced rate, we got settled in around 8:45pm. And by the way, my son's father was kind regarding the whole situation which I wasn't really prepared for but appreciated more than I can say.
Saturday morning we were up at 4:45am and back at the airport by 5:45am. I got my son through the gate and was heading back home by 6:15am, got home around 7:45am got ready for work, got the kids ready to spend the day with my parents, dropped my kids off at my parents and arrived at work by 9:30am only to discover that I had 5 visits and an admission at 3 different facilities with a good bit of distance between. I walked through the door of my house about 15 minutes before my parents arrived to drop the my little kids off.
Mean while, my husband and I have been going back and forth via email regarding the fact that our children miss him, February vacation is his break with the kids this year, he made no plans with his employer to take any time off of work and he is not planning to miss his weekly Wednesday trip to visit his girlfriend in Maine. My husband finally says that he is planning to take the kids to his parents house for the week. And this is fine with me. Our kids will get to spend some time with their dad and he will be around other people so hopefully he will actually spend time with the kids and not on-line or sleeping. And I will get a 4 day break to hopefully, focus on some school work as I have done the bare minimum.
My husband and I are also reliving some very old fights via email. These fights include the fact that he feels that he has made so many changes since he moved out and I have made none, that he is broke and doesn't have enough money and this is my fault because he needs to be completely available to me to assist with the kids even though he is only really spending Tuesdays with the kids. I am so tired of these fights and here's the bottom line:
- My husband feels like he has had to make so many changes and I have chosen not to make any.
- My husband is angry because I earn about 3 times what he earns and feels that it is not his problem if I choose to make no changes and cannot live off of $75,000 a year.
- He feels that by walking away from the kids he is doing what is best and choosing to not fight about custody. He keeps saying that "this is how you wanted it Nicole so now you have to deal with it."
- He does not want to discuss anything because he does not want to dwell in the past. He is embracing this new opportunity to rediscover himself.
- He feels that I am being manipulative and playing games. He feels that he has been at my beck and call and he is all done letting me walk all over him.
- He can't have the kids Thursday through Monday because he is working and he has to work to support them. He is not going to sit around and wait to see if I need help with the kids on the days that I am at work.
My perspective is as follows:
- The reason that my husband has had to make so many changes is because he quit his job in August with no job lined up and has since taken a $25,000 pay cut. As you may be able to imagine your lifestyle changes rapidly when you go from earning $50,000 to about $25,000. Although this was not the cause of our divorce- it was the catalyst. My husband's decision changed our families lifestyle and honestly, after I watched him become increasingly depressed, refuse to put any serious effort into finding a job and choose to spend the summer and fall at the golf course so that he could play with his friends- I was done. I was not going to support him while he did nothing.
- My husband is angry that I earn about 3 times what he earns including child support but he has the capacity to earn about as much as I do. I worked full time to support him while he was in grad school and he has a MBA which he has chosen not to use.
- I am trying to keep our children in their home. I feel like they are experiencing enough changes right now that they don't need to relocate.
- I have offered to give my husband anything that he wants from our home and he wants nothing.
- My husband loves our children but has always voiced feeling overwhelmed by parenthood and tied down with the responsibility. He got to the point that he yelled more than he talked to them. He is enjoying not being tied down to parenting and isn't stopping to think about how his decisions are effecting our children.
- My husband is angry that I refuse to take care of him any more. My husband is lazy and is satisfied with the idea of a woman taking care of him- financially, emotionally, physically. When I stopped taking care of him he found a woman who would.
- My husband enjoys playing the role of the nice guy, and he is a nice guy, but he is having a very difficult time dealing with the fall out of his own decisions and the reality that he isn't being a very nice guy.
- My husband has always used the children as a crutch for not being successful. He could never find a job that he enjoyed or that paid well because he had to take care of our children. My job wasn't flexible. Even when he is minimally involved with our children he continues to use them as a crutch.
So, after this very long and ridiculous week, I sat in church and was convicted about how I am choosing to respond to my husband. Kent preached today out of Colossians. He made the point that no one has the ability to take away my freedom to choose how I will react. I was powerfully convicted. I have spent about 48 hours going tit for tat with my husband instead of just enjoying our children before they go away for their break. I have spent a lot of energy reading my husband's girlfriend's blog trying to get a sense of who she is, trying to figure this whole thing out and make some sense of it. I have prayed that the Lord would help me to avoid this blog and access to information that I do not need to know but I have been weak.
After absorbing the impact of what Kent had to say, I walked away from church feeling recentered, restored and renewed. I am committed to avoiding the blog. I don't really want to know. I suddenly, don't really care. Things are not magically resolved. I am still hurt and angry and disappointed. But in the midst of this chaos I need to choose how I will respond and react.
I am committed to focusing on my children and what is best for them. I am letting go of any sense of family that I was holding onto with my husband. I am completely letting go and trusting that the Lord will provide and take care of my needs. But how will I accomplish this lofty and somewhat unrealistic covenant?
From the Word:
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
Ephesians 6:10
I rejoice greatly in the Lord...
Philippians 4:10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, I have failed to react well. I ask that you restore unto me your love and patience. Father, I pray that you will seal my tongue that I do not use it to hurt people around me. Holy Spirit, remind me that I have a responsibility to control myself and my response to wrong doing. God, I acknowledge that I cannot accomplish this without your strength and power. Remind me that I will be judged with the same rule that I judge others. Father, you are not a respecter of persons and you do not weight sin. My sin is just as ugly as any other person's sin. Forgive me Lord for my unkind spirit. In Jesus name, amen.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
My Beautiful Daughter
I have been a mom for 16 years and that is almost as many years as I was when I had my first baby. I feel pretty confident parenting boys. My oldest son will be 16 this year and my youngest son will be 9. They are very different boys and I have had to adjust my parenting style to match their differences but I do parent my boys similarly.
My beautiful daughter recently turned 5. She loves her daddy very much and has spent a good deal of time with him because we worked separate shifts. There were good things about the time that she was able to spend with her daddy and there were some things that weren't very good.
I am realizing how much her personality is like mine and she is at a developmental stage where she identifies with her same sex parent. I was concerned that she recreated the dynamics that she observed between my husband and myself with my middle son- whose personality is like his fathers.
My daughter is 5. She is highly functional. She is organized and extremely helpful. She is an over-achiever for sure and she comes by that honestly.
I was having a difficult morning. I am utterly exhausted. I have been working 5 days a weeks and out of the house for 14 hours one day a week for clinical. Sunday has become my only day off and I get up early to get us all ready for church. Last week I called in to work on Thursday because we got 26 inches of snow, my driveway wasn't plowed, my boys had a 2 hour delay and my daughter's daycare was closed. This week my daughter is being treated for pneumonia- she's a respiratory kiddo and every thing settles into her lungs. She is exhausted. She spent Tuesday with her daddy, spent the night at his house, was dropped off at school on Wednesday morning and watched by a babysitter until 8:45pm when I got home from clinical. She essentially hadn't seen me in two days and she was exhausted.
I was planning to work a full day today because I need to leave work early tomorrow to bring my oldest son to the airport so that he can spend February vacation with his father. I was hoping to avoid using earned time this week because I had to use earned time last week. I was planning for my younger son to ride the bus home from school and stay with my older son until I got home from work. My older son said that he wanted to stay after school for winter carnival. I called a family friend to see if my younger son could go to her house after school. Her son was home sick but she was willing to take my son. I thanked her and got off of the phone. We were running late and I was trying to move everyone forward. I was getting very frustrated because our house was wrecked- even though I cleaned it on Tuesday- lately, I have to drag my oldest son out of bed in the morning and force him to go to bed at night. He and I were bickering. I was pitching a small fit that I would appreciate it if they could help out more around the house, if they could particularly be more responsible for themselves. I look down and my daughter is crying. I asked her what was wrong. She crumpled and I realized that I was working too hard to make today happen. My 5 year-old daughter is feeling badly because she isn't doing more to be helpful. I knelled down, said a prayer, took a deep breath and told her that she is a wonderful helper, she is only 5, she does more to help out than either of her brothers. I realized that she was exhausted and just missed her mom. I brought the boys to the bus stop, apologized for my pitched fit which didn't phase them in the slightest. I tell my younger son to ride the bus home, I call my friend to cancel my request when I get home.
I had to ask myself if it was going to really matter if I used 4 hours of earned time last week and 4 hours of earned time this week? What really matters is that I remain absolutely available to my children. I am almost able to do everything that needs to be done but I am struggling to be kind and sensitive all the time.
I realized how many opportunities I have for improving my parenting style with my daughter.
From the Word:
Pray this way for... all others who are in authority, so that we can live in peace and quietness, in godliness and dignity.
1 Timothy 2:2 NLT
My beautiful daughter recently turned 5. She loves her daddy very much and has spent a good deal of time with him because we worked separate shifts. There were good things about the time that she was able to spend with her daddy and there were some things that weren't very good.
I am realizing how much her personality is like mine and she is at a developmental stage where she identifies with her same sex parent. I was concerned that she recreated the dynamics that she observed between my husband and myself with my middle son- whose personality is like his fathers.
My daughter is 5. She is highly functional. She is organized and extremely helpful. She is an over-achiever for sure and she comes by that honestly.
I was having a difficult morning. I am utterly exhausted. I have been working 5 days a weeks and out of the house for 14 hours one day a week for clinical. Sunday has become my only day off and I get up early to get us all ready for church. Last week I called in to work on Thursday because we got 26 inches of snow, my driveway wasn't plowed, my boys had a 2 hour delay and my daughter's daycare was closed. This week my daughter is being treated for pneumonia- she's a respiratory kiddo and every thing settles into her lungs. She is exhausted. She spent Tuesday with her daddy, spent the night at his house, was dropped off at school on Wednesday morning and watched by a babysitter until 8:45pm when I got home from clinical. She essentially hadn't seen me in two days and she was exhausted.
I was planning to work a full day today because I need to leave work early tomorrow to bring my oldest son to the airport so that he can spend February vacation with his father. I was hoping to avoid using earned time this week because I had to use earned time last week. I was planning for my younger son to ride the bus home from school and stay with my older son until I got home from work. My older son said that he wanted to stay after school for winter carnival. I called a family friend to see if my younger son could go to her house after school. Her son was home sick but she was willing to take my son. I thanked her and got off of the phone. We were running late and I was trying to move everyone forward. I was getting very frustrated because our house was wrecked- even though I cleaned it on Tuesday- lately, I have to drag my oldest son out of bed in the morning and force him to go to bed at night. He and I were bickering. I was pitching a small fit that I would appreciate it if they could help out more around the house, if they could particularly be more responsible for themselves. I look down and my daughter is crying. I asked her what was wrong. She crumpled and I realized that I was working too hard to make today happen. My 5 year-old daughter is feeling badly because she isn't doing more to be helpful. I knelled down, said a prayer, took a deep breath and told her that she is a wonderful helper, she is only 5, she does more to help out than either of her brothers. I realized that she was exhausted and just missed her mom. I brought the boys to the bus stop, apologized for my pitched fit which didn't phase them in the slightest. I tell my younger son to ride the bus home, I call my friend to cancel my request when I get home.
I had to ask myself if it was going to really matter if I used 4 hours of earned time last week and 4 hours of earned time this week? What really matters is that I remain absolutely available to my children. I am almost able to do everything that needs to be done but I am struggling to be kind and sensitive all the time.
I realized how many opportunities I have for improving my parenting style with my daughter.
From the Word:
Pray this way for... all others who are in authority, so that we can live in peace and quietness, in godliness and dignity.
1 Timothy 2:2 NLT
My Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for all of the people who are praying for me father. I do not know how I would survive this divorce without the prayer of your saints. Teach me Lord, and guide me to be a better mother to all of my children. Help me to more readily recognize the difference between parenting girls and boys and teach me to approach my daughter in a manor that will help her to feel loved and supported. Help my boys to feel loved and supported by me as well. In Jesus name, amen.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
A Very Long Day
I spent yesterday crying and as you know- I hate to cry. I literally cried on and off throughout the entire day. And I was so exhausted. My husband and I had a significant argument before I left for work- as we were exchanging our daughter. He said some very hurtful things. After 13 years together we certainly have become authorities on how to hurt each other. The bottom line for me is that I am devastated that he replaced me and our children with another woman and her children so quickly and apparently, so easily. I can intellectualize the reasons why he did this but none of the reasons make it hurt any less.
I sent him the following email:
I think that what I was trying to say on the phone is that in my heart, I am still your wife. I sit in church and I feel so guilty that we couldn't make it work and I don't believe in divorce. And yet I know that our marriage was killing me and certainly now- there is no going back and likely there was never any going back. But how did you know for certain? How did you know to the extent that you were willing to be with another woman so soon? I suppose that divorce is a process and at some point I won't feel like your wife anymore and I will open my heart to being another man's girl. And that both gives me so much hope and some sadness as well. And I will choose differently with all of the life lessons that I have under my belt. And I don't understand how you can be ready to date again and then again- I can completely understand how you could be ready to date again. I know that it wasn't good. I remember cringing when you touched me but it wasn't because I didn't love you and it wasn't because I wasn't your wife in my heart it was because I felt like I lost you a long time ago to an affair with depression. I wonder if you have any idea how it broke my heart that you used the goalie picture of yourself in college on your myspace page. That boy in the goal- I loved him, I believed in him, I wanted him, I couldn't keep my hands off of him. And when that boy was in that net- I was sitting in the stands with a little boy and we loved that keeper. I just don't know how you could be so sure- right out of the door. I guess that you are either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish and only time will tell. Don't you think that I wanted a marriage where I couldn't wait to get home and rip my husbands clothes off? I wanted a marriage where I could take a deep breath and sink into my husbands arms and not be in control. I wanted a lot of things Mitch. And I do trust in the Lord that I will find all of those qualities in a relationship someday when my heart is ready. But in the mean time, I am still your wife, after 13 years- I don't know how to be anything else. And I am watching my family fall apart and that is devastating me. And most days I don't even think about you but sometimes- like today, I miss my husband- the man that I would catch a glimpse of from time to time...
I don't miss living with him- I'm not sure that I really miss him... But in my heart, I am still his wife. I don't really know how to not be his wife. I am certain that it is a process and that at some point I will stop being loyal to our marriage but then again- I have some doubts about that. I told him that I don't understand how he could be with another woman so quickly. Doesn't it feel like cheating? I mean, we are still married and it has only been 7 weeks since he move out.
His response was basically that he was devastated that I asked for a divorce and basically decided that he could move forward remaining miserable or he could view this as an opportunity to rediscover his true self. He added that he was really enjoying remembering and rediscovering his true self, that he wasn't his true self during out 10 years of marriage and that he was sorry for that because what I ended up with in him was not what I signed up for.
I sent him the following email:
I think that what I was trying to say on the phone is that in my heart, I am still your wife. I sit in church and I feel so guilty that we couldn't make it work and I don't believe in divorce. And yet I know that our marriage was killing me and certainly now- there is no going back and likely there was never any going back. But how did you know for certain? How did you know to the extent that you were willing to be with another woman so soon? I suppose that divorce is a process and at some point I won't feel like your wife anymore and I will open my heart to being another man's girl. And that both gives me so much hope and some sadness as well. And I will choose differently with all of the life lessons that I have under my belt. And I don't understand how you can be ready to date again and then again- I can completely understand how you could be ready to date again. I know that it wasn't good. I remember cringing when you touched me but it wasn't because I didn't love you and it wasn't because I wasn't your wife in my heart it was because I felt like I lost you a long time ago to an affair with depression. I wonder if you have any idea how it broke my heart that you used the goalie picture of yourself in college on your myspace page. That boy in the goal- I loved him, I believed in him, I wanted him, I couldn't keep my hands off of him. And when that boy was in that net- I was sitting in the stands with a little boy and we loved that keeper. I just don't know how you could be so sure- right out of the door. I guess that you are either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish and only time will tell. Don't you think that I wanted a marriage where I couldn't wait to get home and rip my husbands clothes off? I wanted a marriage where I could take a deep breath and sink into my husbands arms and not be in control. I wanted a lot of things Mitch. And I do trust in the Lord that I will find all of those qualities in a relationship someday when my heart is ready. But in the mean time, I am still your wife, after 13 years- I don't know how to be anything else. And I am watching my family fall apart and that is devastating me. And most days I don't even think about you but sometimes- like today, I miss my husband- the man that I would catch a glimpse of from time to time...
I don't miss living with him- I'm not sure that I really miss him... But in my heart, I am still his wife. I don't really know how to not be his wife. I am certain that it is a process and that at some point I will stop being loyal to our marriage but then again- I have some doubts about that. I told him that I don't understand how he could be with another woman so quickly. Doesn't it feel like cheating? I mean, we are still married and it has only been 7 weeks since he move out.
His response was basically that he was devastated that I asked for a divorce and basically decided that he could move forward remaining miserable or he could view this as an opportunity to rediscover his true self. He added that he was really enjoying remembering and rediscovering his true self, that he wasn't his true self during out 10 years of marriage and that he was sorry for that because what I ended up with in him was not what I signed up for.
Pretty well, what he is saying is that he could not handle the responsibilities of being a husband and father. He could not handle having to work a real job that could support a family. He often appeared to be put out by the children. Let's take Christmas- it is my favorite holiday. I absolutely love Christmas. I grew up in a home where we had very few meaningful traditions. I have established many traditions in my own family. I organize the month of December with an advent calender. I buy the kids a new ornament that we always unwrap on the 10th. There are certain activities that they look forward to. My priority was always the children. Every year my husband would be depressed (I know, a huge surprise!) because the children would have so many gifts and basically- he wouldn't. This drove me crazy! We are adults after all. I always felt like we would have enough money, someday, to buy nice gifts for each other but in the mean time, we would buy for our children. I felt like Christmas was yet another occasion for my husband to act like a baby.
Whatever the reason- yesterday I missed my husband. I was devastated that he has replaced us with another woman and her children. I was feeling very alone and yet absolutely aware that I am not ready to even contemplate moving forward and especially unable to think about dating. And I was so upset and disgusted with my husband. I realize that it is hateful and sinful but I am having a very hard time moving past the fact that he is dating, sleeping with and talking about marriage to a woman who is everything that I have worked so hard not to be. He has found a stereotypical teenage mother and scooped her up and I hate that! I hate even more that he says things like he is putting his life in God's hands and feels comforted by this. How can walking away from your family, having an affair, being irresponsible bring you any peace or comfort? I cannot comprehend that.
I received a much needed reminder that God rules his creation. Nothing is outside his authority—not even my husband. No person is placed in a position outside of God's will. This can be a great comfort when we see people act in ways that we cannot comprehend- in ways that make no sense to us, especially people with whom we do not agree.
From the Word:
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed than you would see the Glory of God?"
John 11:40
The king's (my husband's) heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord; he turns it wherever he pleases.
Proverbs 21:1 NLT
My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, I believe in you with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind. I am looking for and placing my hope for the future in God's glory. I do believe that all of your creation is directed by you and subject to your Divine will. Thank you for reminding me that my husband does not exist outside of your influence or will. And I praise you for that amazing truth. In Jesus name, amen.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Let's Check In With The Wildman
I met with the Wildman today. I shared parts of my entry regarding somebody else's husband... I think that I more or less walked away with confirmation that it will take the hand of the Lord to find a man who meets my criteria. Don't misunderstand, the Wildman was very supportive of my thoughts but he added a caveat about men basically being raised to not be self-aware because that would mean that they were acknowledging weakness, not being dominant and some how failing. He did add that some men do the work, or do some of the work, to become self aware. But those men are in the minority. I think that those men are likely found in greater numbers within the Christian faith. I am hopeful anyway.
The Wildman and I discussed my sadness over watching our children grieve their father. He has minimal involvement with them right now and it is breaking my heart to watch them miss him and to anticipate their pain if he follows through with his plan to relocate in April. I often watch our kids and wonder how- how can he even contemplate walking away?, why- why would he walk away?, what- what in the world is he thinking? I confided that our kids are just not ready to meet his girlfriend and I am anticipating that it will only be a matter of time before he introduces them. The Wildman suggested that I share my concerns with my husband. I have tossed that around in my mind and I suspect that it will only lead to an argument and accusations that I am trying to control him.
I am on the fence about the value of sitting down with my husband and telling him that the kids miss him and that I am concerned about the lack of time that he is actually spending with them. I think this would be pointless as I suspect that he feels that he spends a lot of time with the kids. The truth is that he does not see them from Wednesday morning when he drops them off at school till Friday afternoon when he picks them up at school and again he doesn't see them from Friday night at 6pm till Monday afternoon when he picks them up at school. And on days like today, he arranged for a sitter so he won't see them until Tuesday morning and Tuesday afternoon respectively.
I, on the other hand, don't miss him- I just don't. The irony is that if it was really just about me- I wouldn't care if I ever saw him again but it really just isn't about me. And that isn't anything new really.
From the Word:
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him and by his wounds we are healed.
Isaiah 53:3-5
My Prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus, I have already witnessed one of my children grieve the loss of his father. I am finding it unbearable to think about watching my younger children grieve over the loss of their father. Lord, your word says that you are a man of sorrows and that you grieved. You know our children's grief. If their grief is breaking my heart than how much more is it breaking your heart? Father, please protect my children- seal their hearts oh Lord! Speak to my husband that he may hear your voice and know that he needs to honor his responsibility to our children as their father. Holy Spirit- blow through my husbands life and cause him to have a desire to remain close to our children and committed to being a daddy to them. Lord, bring me peace and comfort knowing that you said that you would be a father to the fatherless. Fortify my faith as you remind me that you will take care of my children. In Jesus name, amen.
The Wildman and I discussed my sadness over watching our children grieve their father. He has minimal involvement with them right now and it is breaking my heart to watch them miss him and to anticipate their pain if he follows through with his plan to relocate in April. I often watch our kids and wonder how- how can he even contemplate walking away?, why- why would he walk away?, what- what in the world is he thinking? I confided that our kids are just not ready to meet his girlfriend and I am anticipating that it will only be a matter of time before he introduces them. The Wildman suggested that I share my concerns with my husband. I have tossed that around in my mind and I suspect that it will only lead to an argument and accusations that I am trying to control him.
I am on the fence about the value of sitting down with my husband and telling him that the kids miss him and that I am concerned about the lack of time that he is actually spending with them. I think this would be pointless as I suspect that he feels that he spends a lot of time with the kids. The truth is that he does not see them from Wednesday morning when he drops them off at school till Friday afternoon when he picks them up at school and again he doesn't see them from Friday night at 6pm till Monday afternoon when he picks them up at school. And on days like today, he arranged for a sitter so he won't see them until Tuesday morning and Tuesday afternoon respectively.
I, on the other hand, don't miss him- I just don't. The irony is that if it was really just about me- I wouldn't care if I ever saw him again but it really just isn't about me. And that isn't anything new really.
From the Word:
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him and by his wounds we are healed.
Isaiah 53:3-5
My Prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus, I have already witnessed one of my children grieve the loss of his father. I am finding it unbearable to think about watching my younger children grieve over the loss of their father. Lord, your word says that you are a man of sorrows and that you grieved. You know our children's grief. If their grief is breaking my heart than how much more is it breaking your heart? Father, please protect my children- seal their hearts oh Lord! Speak to my husband that he may hear your voice and know that he needs to honor his responsibility to our children as their father. Holy Spirit- blow through my husbands life and cause him to have a desire to remain close to our children and committed to being a daddy to them. Lord, bring me peace and comfort knowing that you said that you would be a father to the fatherless. Fortify my faith as you remind me that you will take care of my children. In Jesus name, amen.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Hope, Faith and Love
Perhaps hope didn't really die in my life. Today Kent preached that hope is the seed and faith is the plant and love is the fruit that the plant yields in our lives. It struck me that I have had faith and love but felt that hope had left me. So, maybe hope didn't really die in my life; maybe it has just been dormant- buried under layers of soil... I am so ready for spring, ready for fresh shoots of hope to push through the soil of my life. I am anxious to smell the newly turned soil and see the tips of green pushing through the surface in search of the light that gives life to all mankind...
My prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus, awaken hope in my life. Holy Spirit, blow the fresh scent of hope through my home. Father, forgive me for allowing my hope to become dormant. In Jesus name, amen.
My prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus, awaken hope in my life. Holy Spirit, blow the fresh scent of hope through my home. Father, forgive me for allowing my hope to become dormant. In Jesus name, amen.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
God Is Not A Respecter Of Persons
So... I have to admit that I am feeling convicted for my attitude towards my husbands new girlfriend. I do believe that God is not a respecter of persons and that if he will use me to do his will than he will use anyone.
I'm going to be completely honest and say that it disgusts me that she has a blog where she publishes her most personal experiences, thoughts and feelings- for the world to read. According to her own blog- she is about as different from me as a woman could be. Quick case in point: When I was a visiting nurse I would walk into homes and find the pediatric patient playing a very disturbing video game called Grand Theft Auto- pointless violence. I would ask the kiddos to turn the video game off while I was there- it just isn't appropriate. This woman blogs about "Grand Theft Auto" weekends with her pre-adolescent son. It is concerning to me that she puts pictures of her children online. I think that she is a stupid girl for meeting a man online and taking what he says at face value with no way of knowing if the person that he is projecting is real. I think that it is a mistake to introduce your children to a man who you met online, who you don't really know and plan to marry after knowing him for 6 weeks. I wonder where her girlfriends are to tell her that it is not normal for a man to completely dedicate himself to you and walk away from his children after knowing you for 6 weeks.
And perhaps, if I was brutally honest with myself than I would admit that she is exactly the woman who I have always been so conscience of not being. She is the stereotype of the teenage mother whom I have dedicated my life to not becoming. I found myself reading things about her (in her own words) and thinking to myself, please Lord- that is exactly what I don't want to be. I can only imagine that dating is very complicated when you are a single mom. I don't ever want to be a stupid girl. I am so grateful for my girlfriends who would be fast and furious in their efforts to point out any red flag that I may not be quick in recognizing. Though, I can hardly imagine not being aware of the red flags. I respect myself and love my children too much to fall for some other woman's ex-husband- particularly without a good bit of convincing on his part that he is aware of and working on his own culpability in his failed relationship.
I don't understand why some women just can't seem to wait to scoop up another women's ex-husband. And my dearest friend is just one of those women. She has an ex-husband of her own. And I see her date one man after another who is somebodies ex-husband. And I see how these men treat her and their ex-wives. I watch her make endless excuses for their behavior. Oh how these ex-wives have done these men wrong! They just didn't understand these men, they didn't make them happy, they weren't supportive, they were demanding, they get a ridiculous amount of child support and the endless list of excuses made for somebody else's ex-husband goes on.
I have to admit that I am highly suspect of any man who is somebodies ex-husband. I find myself wondering... why is he her ex-husband and if she didn't want him than why would I? I will acknowledge that typically, both parties share culpability in a failed marriage. But in my experience, it is very rare that a woman walks away from her responsibilities as a mother and leaves a man to pick up the pieces and hold their broken family together. I would dare to say that proportionately, not very many mothers walk away- not many Mom's play the role of every other weekend "Disney Mom" who buys toys and feeds the kids pizza and candy and then dumps them off at home exhausted and in need of a bath.
Here are some thoughts, right off the top of my head, of where some other woman's ex-husband might try focusing if he was interested in me:
I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it for me!
Matthew 25:40 NLT
Jesus replied, "The most important commandment is this" 'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these.
Mark 12:29-31 NLT
My prayer is:
Dear Lord Jesus, I ask that you help me to be discerning and not judgemental. Remind me that your Father is not a respecter of persons. Remind me that what I do to the least I do to you. Remind me that your second greatest commandment is to love my neighbor as myself. I ask you to complete the good work that you began in me. In Jesus name, amen.
I'm going to be completely honest and say that it disgusts me that she has a blog where she publishes her most personal experiences, thoughts and feelings- for the world to read. According to her own blog- she is about as different from me as a woman could be. Quick case in point: When I was a visiting nurse I would walk into homes and find the pediatric patient playing a very disturbing video game called Grand Theft Auto- pointless violence. I would ask the kiddos to turn the video game off while I was there- it just isn't appropriate. This woman blogs about "Grand Theft Auto" weekends with her pre-adolescent son. It is concerning to me that she puts pictures of her children online. I think that she is a stupid girl for meeting a man online and taking what he says at face value with no way of knowing if the person that he is projecting is real. I think that it is a mistake to introduce your children to a man who you met online, who you don't really know and plan to marry after knowing him for 6 weeks. I wonder where her girlfriends are to tell her that it is not normal for a man to completely dedicate himself to you and walk away from his children after knowing you for 6 weeks.
And perhaps, if I was brutally honest with myself than I would admit that she is exactly the woman who I have always been so conscience of not being. She is the stereotype of the teenage mother whom I have dedicated my life to not becoming. I found myself reading things about her (in her own words) and thinking to myself, please Lord- that is exactly what I don't want to be. I can only imagine that dating is very complicated when you are a single mom. I don't ever want to be a stupid girl. I am so grateful for my girlfriends who would be fast and furious in their efforts to point out any red flag that I may not be quick in recognizing. Though, I can hardly imagine not being aware of the red flags. I respect myself and love my children too much to fall for some other woman's ex-husband- particularly without a good bit of convincing on his part that he is aware of and working on his own culpability in his failed relationship.
I don't understand why some women just can't seem to wait to scoop up another women's ex-husband. And my dearest friend is just one of those women. She has an ex-husband of her own. And I see her date one man after another who is somebodies ex-husband. And I see how these men treat her and their ex-wives. I watch her make endless excuses for their behavior. Oh how these ex-wives have done these men wrong! They just didn't understand these men, they didn't make them happy, they weren't supportive, they were demanding, they get a ridiculous amount of child support and the endless list of excuses made for somebody else's ex-husband goes on.
I have to admit that I am highly suspect of any man who is somebodies ex-husband. I find myself wondering... why is he her ex-husband and if she didn't want him than why would I? I will acknowledge that typically, both parties share culpability in a failed marriage. But in my experience, it is very rare that a woman walks away from her responsibilities as a mother and leaves a man to pick up the pieces and hold their broken family together. I would dare to say that proportionately, not very many mothers walk away- not many Mom's play the role of every other weekend "Disney Mom" who buys toys and feeds the kids pizza and candy and then dumps them off at home exhausted and in need of a bath.
Here are some thoughts, right off the top of my head, of where some other woman's ex-husband might try focusing if he was interested in me:
- What was your role in the break down of your marriage? Because I am not nearly as interested in hearing how she did you wrong, didn't meet your needs, didn't understand or support you as I am not contemplating dating her, right?
- What might you have done differently? What I really want to know is do you understand what you need to do differently?
- In what ways would a minimum amount of effort on your part have made a maximum amount of difference in your relationship? Ok, so it just didn't work between the two of you have you thought about how it might have?
- What lessons did you learn and what measures are you taking to ensure that you won't recreate unhealthy dynamics? I am not interested in recreating the role of your ex-wife.
- What are you looking for in any future relationships and what might you be hoping to avoid?
- How do you view your role in the life of your children? This is extremely important to me so think hard...
- What efforts have you made to make amends to your ex-wife for your culpability in your failed relationship? This is difficult, believe me I understand...
- What is your commitment to the family that you created with the mother of your children? I want to respect you, I'm not needy and I support whatever time you need to spend with them.
- I am paying very close attention to how you refer to the mother of your children, your opinion of her, your attitude towards her, how you describe her, your level of respect, your support for her and your children. Please hold me accountable as well.
- We all have reasons to feel bitter and it is easy enough to let that bitterness shade your future relationships. I notice when you seem bitter and are blaming. Life experience has taught me that the more defensive a person is the greater their responsibility in the problem. What I really want to know is how self-aware are you? Can you recognize when your being petty?
- Did you divorce your wife or did your divorce your whole family? I want to know if you are committed to co-parenting.
- Are you paying child support with the same spirit that Christ called us to tithe? Our money already belongs to him- he is just asking that we give 10% back. Your money already belongs to your children- child support is simply giving them money that is already theirs. Do you feel like child support covers it or do you ask how you can help? Is it getting cold and do you think about whether your children need new winter clothes? Do you think about buying new clothes, shoes and school supplies for back to school?
- Do you check in to see if your children and their mother are ok after a blizzard? Do you offer to help with chores that where your responsibility? This is an important one. If you don't want your ex-wife to move another man into your home to live with your children than are you doing your part to ensure that she doesn't feel like she has to?
I will soon be the ex-wife of two men so please believe me when I say that I am anticipating some pretty tough questions when I am ready to start dating. I am doing the work now to try and figure out the answers to some of your questions and my questions as well...
The word says:I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it for me!
Matthew 25:40 NLT
Jesus replied, "The most important commandment is this" 'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these.
Mark 12:29-31 NLT
My prayer is:
Dear Lord Jesus, I ask that you help me to be discerning and not judgemental. Remind me that your Father is not a respecter of persons. Remind me that what I do to the least I do to you. Remind me that your second greatest commandment is to love my neighbor as myself. I ask you to complete the good work that you began in me. In Jesus name, amen.
Friday, February 16, 2007
A Bitter Pill
Christa warned me that today, so I will warn you, that I sound bitter and I freely admitted that today, I am bitter. So I think that I will start by confessing some of things that I am bitter about. I am bitter about the fact that this divorce is not unfolding the way that my husband and I had discussed. I am bitter that my husband has become so consumed with his own needs and his new relationship to the extent that the needs of our family have fallen into his periphery. I am bitter that he sits on the couch in my home watching our children until I get home from work, and chooses to not start a fire to both warm the house and the children. I am bitter that I paid down the credit card that I gave him because he would not have the income to pay it down himself and he has charged almost $4000 in the 6 weeks that he has been out of our home, mostly on the expenses of having a new relationship. But mostly, I am bitter that my children are going to be exposed to and effected by the poor choices that my husband is making. I am bitter that he believes that God is responsible for him walking out on his responsibilities to our family.
I didn't want sole custody. I wanted to co-parent. I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and say that I have something coming up and ask if he could keep the kids and reciprocate the favor. I understand that he thinks that he has found his soul mate, that God has brought them together, that he is going to marry this woman. I also understand that he is still married, that she is very rough around the edges, that she has 3 teenagers who he has already met and that she is not the type of person who I would want to babysit my children let alone be involved in their lives. And I especially do not want my husband to expose our children to his girlfriend and her children when I feel like the situation will inevitably implode...
I have learned so many lesson from my first divorce. We did not divorce well, we have fought for the past 15 years. We were headed back to court as recently as 2 years ago. My ex-husband married a woman who had 3 children. The situation was less than ideal. It did effect my oldest son very much. When faced with a choice between Kaleb and his wife, Kaleb's father chose his new wife and her 3 children. So this situation with my husband feels very familiar. I understand that I have no control over who he decides to be with or who he decides to expose our children to. But I do know this- our children are not ready to meet their dad's new girlfriend and her children. And truthfully, I am not ready to have to deal with this. It is just too soon.
The Word says:
He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13, 19-22
My prayer is:
Dear Lord, I ask you to protect my children from my husbands poor choices. I seal their hearts and their minds in Jesus name. I cut them off from the effects of my husbands manic behavior in Jesus name. I ask you to give your angles charge over my children, oh Lord, to seal them from chaos and exposure to lifestyles that are very different from our own. In Jesus name, amen.
I didn't want sole custody. I wanted to co-parent. I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and say that I have something coming up and ask if he could keep the kids and reciprocate the favor. I understand that he thinks that he has found his soul mate, that God has brought them together, that he is going to marry this woman. I also understand that he is still married, that she is very rough around the edges, that she has 3 teenagers who he has already met and that she is not the type of person who I would want to babysit my children let alone be involved in their lives. And I especially do not want my husband to expose our children to his girlfriend and her children when I feel like the situation will inevitably implode...
I have learned so many lesson from my first divorce. We did not divorce well, we have fought for the past 15 years. We were headed back to court as recently as 2 years ago. My ex-husband married a woman who had 3 children. The situation was less than ideal. It did effect my oldest son very much. When faced with a choice between Kaleb and his wife, Kaleb's father chose his new wife and her 3 children. So this situation with my husband feels very familiar. I understand that I have no control over who he decides to be with or who he decides to expose our children to. But I do know this- our children are not ready to meet their dad's new girlfriend and her children. And truthfully, I am not ready to have to deal with this. It is just too soon.
The Word says:
He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13, 19-22
My prayer is:
Dear Lord, I ask you to protect my children from my husbands poor choices. I seal their hearts and their minds in Jesus name. I cut them off from the effects of my husbands manic behavior in Jesus name. I ask you to give your angles charge over my children, oh Lord, to seal them from chaos and exposure to lifestyles that are very different from our own. In Jesus name, amen.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
My Future Is In Your Hands.
I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands.Psalm 31:10, 14-15
As I process these words from Psalms I am aware that they describe my experience of being married while I struggled with the decision to divorce. Since moving forward with the divorce I don't feel like I'm dying from grief, or that my life is shortened by sadness, or that I am wasting away from within. I can remember explaining to the Wildman that this marriage was killing everything good and lovely about me... My husbands misery, mania, lack of purpose and inability to concentrate are no longer draining my strength. It occurred to me the other day that I haven't needed to use Excedrin for migraines in a really long time. During the fall, I was using it 2-3 times a day with variable effect. Hmm, tension head ache. And I do believe that my future is in the Lord's hands.
I am reading the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. Because I want to rediscover hope in my life, I figured that any devotional with Hope in the title was good right? She writes about grief and loss. I am proficient in these areas being a hospice nurse. The interesting thing about grief is that it's effects are cumulative and we talk a good deal about the cumulative effects of grief. Here's a practical example: I found myself at the funeral of a man in town who I knew publicly but not personally. I found myself sobbing during his funeral to the extent that I was wondering why? Why sobbing? True, his loss was sad but I certainly didn't know him well enough to be sobbing. And I realized that I was sobbing because of the cumulative losses, because of all of the funerals that I have attended and all of the faces that I remember when I close my eyes.
The thing about grief is that it is very transferable. You can grieve the loss of a loved one be it to death, relocation or a falling out. There was a five year period of time that I did not speak to my dearest friend. I thought about our falling out from time to time but I was always conscious of the toll of grief on my heart- it was heavy.
I received a lovely note from a neighbor who I really don't know. She is in the process of divorcing as well. I was so blessed by her ability to reach out from the midst of her own grief to extend offers to help me and the kids in anyway possible. I will carry her kind words with me for sure.
Dear Lord, thank you that grief is a process and help me to recognize it's cumulative effect. I am so grateful that You hold my future in Your hands; this knowledge brings me peace. In Jesus name amen.
As I process these words from Psalms I am aware that they describe my experience of being married while I struggled with the decision to divorce. Since moving forward with the divorce I don't feel like I'm dying from grief, or that my life is shortened by sadness, or that I am wasting away from within. I can remember explaining to the Wildman that this marriage was killing everything good and lovely about me... My husbands misery, mania, lack of purpose and inability to concentrate are no longer draining my strength. It occurred to me the other day that I haven't needed to use Excedrin for migraines in a really long time. During the fall, I was using it 2-3 times a day with variable effect. Hmm, tension head ache. And I do believe that my future is in the Lord's hands.
I am reading the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. Because I want to rediscover hope in my life, I figured that any devotional with Hope in the title was good right? She writes about grief and loss. I am proficient in these areas being a hospice nurse. The interesting thing about grief is that it's effects are cumulative and we talk a good deal about the cumulative effects of grief. Here's a practical example: I found myself at the funeral of a man in town who I knew publicly but not personally. I found myself sobbing during his funeral to the extent that I was wondering why? Why sobbing? True, his loss was sad but I certainly didn't know him well enough to be sobbing. And I realized that I was sobbing because of the cumulative losses, because of all of the funerals that I have attended and all of the faces that I remember when I close my eyes.
The thing about grief is that it is very transferable. You can grieve the loss of a loved one be it to death, relocation or a falling out. There was a five year period of time that I did not speak to my dearest friend. I thought about our falling out from time to time but I was always conscious of the toll of grief on my heart- it was heavy.
I received a lovely note from a neighbor who I really don't know. She is in the process of divorcing as well. I was so blessed by her ability to reach out from the midst of her own grief to extend offers to help me and the kids in anyway possible. I will carry her kind words with me for sure.
Dear Lord, thank you that grief is a process and help me to recognize it's cumulative effect. I am so grateful that You hold my future in Your hands; this knowledge brings me peace. In Jesus name amen.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Yesterday, I Missed My Friend
It has been a very long week since my last entry. Last night I found myself on the phone with a friend that I share with my husband. And I was sad, and I was angry, and I was hurt, and I was wounded, and I was scared for my husband. And I cried. I ended the phone call, which lasted too long, with more tears and I heard myself say that sometimes I simply miss my friend.
I don't miss being married; I don't miss being his wife; I don't miss living with a man who is chronically depressed and unmotivated. But, sometimes, I miss my friend and I grieve the loss of our friendship and the loss of the man that I knew. Because, I don't even recognize this man. I don't know him and honestly, I don't like the man that I see. I used to be disgusted by his depression and now I am disgusted by who he has become.
My husband has become so utterly consumed by his new relationship- to the extent that everything and more sadly, everyone, else has blended into his periphery. Where before he had no direction or ambition- now he has embraced her dreams and is trying to make them his own. Emotionally, it is painful to wonder why he couldn't embrace my dreams and more painful yet to wonder if I ever really shared my dreams with him. Somewhere along the way, I stopped having dreams and hope ceased, being easily replaced by responsibilities and the need to keep everything- my husband, my family, our life, together. Intellectually, I recognize that what he is doing is trying to reestablish a codependent relationship.
The Wildman said that the experience of falling in love, the emotion of it, has been likened to temporary insanity. And that is something that I cannot relate to because I have never given myself completely over to the notion of love- with the exception of my children. I have never really known a man who has inspired the sort of confidence in me where I could blindly give myself over to the idea of us. This couples itself to the reality that I committed myself to being Kaleb's mother when I was 18 and far too young to have experienced lasting love.
I happened upon a song by Keith Urban called Memories of Us. It really is a beautiful song. A gift from the Lord to encourage and strengthen my hope that someday, when I am able to recognize and accept it- there will be a man who I can blindly trust, who I can trust my whole heart to, who challenges me to be a better person, a stronger Christian. A man among men who earns my trust by building memories of us- Keith's words not mine.
The author of Lamentations says it this way:
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Lamentations 3:21-26
Dear Lord Jesus, I ask that you watch over my friend whom I miss. Help him to find you so that he is able to find himself. I ask you to calm his soul and his mind; bring him your peace and your rest. Father, I ask that you restore hope to my life. I sense your hope, Holy Spirit, as it blows through my life, restoring possibilities that were lost along this crocked path. Be my companion and guide and lead me into arms that are dependable and strong enough to hold me. In Jesus name, amen!
I don't miss being married; I don't miss being his wife; I don't miss living with a man who is chronically depressed and unmotivated. But, sometimes, I miss my friend and I grieve the loss of our friendship and the loss of the man that I knew. Because, I don't even recognize this man. I don't know him and honestly, I don't like the man that I see. I used to be disgusted by his depression and now I am disgusted by who he has become.
My husband has become so utterly consumed by his new relationship- to the extent that everything and more sadly, everyone, else has blended into his periphery. Where before he had no direction or ambition- now he has embraced her dreams and is trying to make them his own. Emotionally, it is painful to wonder why he couldn't embrace my dreams and more painful yet to wonder if I ever really shared my dreams with him. Somewhere along the way, I stopped having dreams and hope ceased, being easily replaced by responsibilities and the need to keep everything- my husband, my family, our life, together. Intellectually, I recognize that what he is doing is trying to reestablish a codependent relationship.
The Wildman said that the experience of falling in love, the emotion of it, has been likened to temporary insanity. And that is something that I cannot relate to because I have never given myself completely over to the notion of love- with the exception of my children. I have never really known a man who has inspired the sort of confidence in me where I could blindly give myself over to the idea of us. This couples itself to the reality that I committed myself to being Kaleb's mother when I was 18 and far too young to have experienced lasting love.
I happened upon a song by Keith Urban called Memories of Us. It really is a beautiful song. A gift from the Lord to encourage and strengthen my hope that someday, when I am able to recognize and accept it- there will be a man who I can blindly trust, who I can trust my whole heart to, who challenges me to be a better person, a stronger Christian. A man among men who earns my trust by building memories of us- Keith's words not mine.
The author of Lamentations says it this way:
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Lamentations 3:21-26
Dear Lord Jesus, I ask that you watch over my friend whom I miss. Help him to find you so that he is able to find himself. I ask you to calm his soul and his mind; bring him your peace and your rest. Father, I ask that you restore hope to my life. I sense your hope, Holy Spirit, as it blows through my life, restoring possibilities that were lost along this crocked path. Be my companion and guide and lead me into arms that are dependable and strong enough to hold me. In Jesus name, amen!
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
How does your life reflect God's forgiveness- yeah, that cuts...
I told my husband that I wanted a divorce in September. We decided for many reasons that it would make the most sense for our family to get the children through the holidays, to get me through my first and most challenging semester of grad school and to give him time to find a job as he had resigned from his job in August without another lined up. It may sound crazy but it did work fairly well and to be really honest, our relationship had never been mutually caring and the only thing that really changed is that we were being honest about the reality of our marriage.
We had four months to work through how we would parent and raise our children together. We knew that things would change for the children and that they would be effected by this decision but we were committed to divorcing well. As naive as this may sound to you- I believed in the plans that we made with all of my heart. I did think that I could divorce his depression and anger and all of the reasons that our marriage of almost 10 years just didn't work and at the same time remain committed to the family that we created. As you may be able to imagine that lasted for almost one week after my husband moved into his own apartment.
At some point during week number two out of our home he emailed me at work to let me know that he knew this wasn't going to make me happy and he knew it wasn't going to work for me but he was planning to take a job and relocate to a different state in New England. He was worried about the effect that this decision would have on our children and he wasn't sure how involved he would be able to be in their lives but he was going to try. He had to believe that doing what was best for him would ultimately be best for them.
I was blindsided to say the least. I burst into tears at work and if I haven't mentioned this yet- I don't ever cry, I just don't. I was so overwhelmed. I had no idea how I would be able to work enough to support our three children, keep them in their home- let alone any home, be available as their only parent day in and day out, get them to any- never mind all, of their extracurricular activities and oh yeah that- get through grad school. I am working on a pediatric nurse practitioner degree so you may be able to imagine that it does require a good deal of effort and time. And those were only a few of the worries that were whirling around in my head. I knew that I would turn myself inside out to be everything that the children needed but I also was well aware that there would not be enough time in the day to get it all done. That was just the reality of my situation.
How could he walk away from them? We just sat down together, less than a week ago, and told our children that yes, this was painful and very sad and things would change however, some things would stay the same... and we outlined some of the things that they could count on to stay the same. Oh Lord- nothing would be the same. I was not prepared to divorce our family; should I have stayed in this marriage? And the resounding answer was no, nope, noway. The marriage was killing everything good and lovely about me. I could not spend another minute living with this man who was chronically and increasingly depressed. Whose worsening anger caused him to increasingly yell and rage. Who had become so out of control that our oldest son, 15, looked at me and asked me why I put up with my husband...
Ok Lord, so I cannot stay in this marriage and I cannot do this on my own. That is a very difficult and bitter truth for me to acknowledge. Because I truly can handle just about anything. I will work harder, get up earlier, stay up later- I will make it happen. I will choose to be satisfied. But here I am Lord and I am at a point where I have no alternative but to admit to you and to myself that I will need help. And that isn't even the most terrifying part of this. I will need to reach out to people for help, I will have to ask for help and than figure out how to accept it. Have you ever notice that when you are stubborn and self-sufficient that the Lord needs to allow you to exhaust all of your personal resources before you are finally willing to fall to your knees and call out to Him? If so, than perhaps you have also noticed that the moment you call out to Him, that you repent of your sin and ask for forgiveness- He is faithful and just to forgive you. He doesn't have stipulations, He doesn't constantly remind you of how you failed and how He forgave you. He simply forgives you. And better yet, He is always waiting for you to turn to Him and He is able to make the impossible and unimaginable manageable and absolutely logical.
The instant that I cried out to Him, that I admitted that I could not do this without Him- He gave me several names of people to contact. These contacts immediately led to transportation to youth group for my oldest son on Friday nights, a connection to a life group (mid week bible study) for me and the kids, offers for assistance with child care after school, daycare options, wonderful advise and the list goes on. Immediately, there was an overabundance of solutions to the point that I was able to thank people for their willingness but I truly didn't need all of the help!
I would like to add a serious caveat here- I do believe that the Lord helps people who help themselves. What I mean is that I have a willing spirit to help others, I have raised children who are respectful and enjoyable to be around, I had faith that the Lord would provide for me and my family and my faith had action. I didn't sit back and wait for the Lord to fix all of my problems. I cried out for the Lord to help my family and I listened for His will and I followed his instruction.
Everything isn't the way that I would have it. I am a planner and I would feel most comfortable if I had everything worked out for the next school year. But the Lord is teaching me that his grace for today is sufficient. If He is faithful to provide for my needs today than why would I question His ability to take care of my needs in September? I guess because I am human, He has not yet completed the good work that He started in me, and because He was undoubtedly speaking to me when He said oh yea of little faith!
Every ending leads me back to the beginning... How does my life reflect God's forgiveness? Poorly, I'm ashamed to admit. I am working on not hating my husband and I am beginning to understand that I don't have to like him or agree with the decisions that he is making. But I do need to forgive him. I am not at a place where I can forgive him and he is not at a place where he is asking for forgiveness. But God is always at a place where He is ready to forgive me. I have some work to do for sure... When I wonder where to look in the Bible for advice I inevitably end up in the Book of Ephesians because it is my most treasured Book of the Bible for some very complicated reasons. So I'll leave you with this passage:
Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:32 NLT
And this prayer: Dear Lord, you are so faithful to forgive me the moment that I ask. I immediately am surrounded by your love and peace. Help me to better reflect Your forgiveness in my life by readily and completely forgiving others. I ask for the assistance of your Holy Spirit because I know that I would not be able to forgive without Him. In Jesus name, amen.
We had four months to work through how we would parent and raise our children together. We knew that things would change for the children and that they would be effected by this decision but we were committed to divorcing well. As naive as this may sound to you- I believed in the plans that we made with all of my heart. I did think that I could divorce his depression and anger and all of the reasons that our marriage of almost 10 years just didn't work and at the same time remain committed to the family that we created. As you may be able to imagine that lasted for almost one week after my husband moved into his own apartment.
At some point during week number two out of our home he emailed me at work to let me know that he knew this wasn't going to make me happy and he knew it wasn't going to work for me but he was planning to take a job and relocate to a different state in New England. He was worried about the effect that this decision would have on our children and he wasn't sure how involved he would be able to be in their lives but he was going to try. He had to believe that doing what was best for him would ultimately be best for them.
I was blindsided to say the least. I burst into tears at work and if I haven't mentioned this yet- I don't ever cry, I just don't. I was so overwhelmed. I had no idea how I would be able to work enough to support our three children, keep them in their home- let alone any home, be available as their only parent day in and day out, get them to any- never mind all, of their extracurricular activities and oh yeah that- get through grad school. I am working on a pediatric nurse practitioner degree so you may be able to imagine that it does require a good deal of effort and time. And those were only a few of the worries that were whirling around in my head. I knew that I would turn myself inside out to be everything that the children needed but I also was well aware that there would not be enough time in the day to get it all done. That was just the reality of my situation.
How could he walk away from them? We just sat down together, less than a week ago, and told our children that yes, this was painful and very sad and things would change however, some things would stay the same... and we outlined some of the things that they could count on to stay the same. Oh Lord- nothing would be the same. I was not prepared to divorce our family; should I have stayed in this marriage? And the resounding answer was no, nope, noway. The marriage was killing everything good and lovely about me. I could not spend another minute living with this man who was chronically and increasingly depressed. Whose worsening anger caused him to increasingly yell and rage. Who had become so out of control that our oldest son, 15, looked at me and asked me why I put up with my husband...
Ok Lord, so I cannot stay in this marriage and I cannot do this on my own. That is a very difficult and bitter truth for me to acknowledge. Because I truly can handle just about anything. I will work harder, get up earlier, stay up later- I will make it happen. I will choose to be satisfied. But here I am Lord and I am at a point where I have no alternative but to admit to you and to myself that I will need help. And that isn't even the most terrifying part of this. I will need to reach out to people for help, I will have to ask for help and than figure out how to accept it. Have you ever notice that when you are stubborn and self-sufficient that the Lord needs to allow you to exhaust all of your personal resources before you are finally willing to fall to your knees and call out to Him? If so, than perhaps you have also noticed that the moment you call out to Him, that you repent of your sin and ask for forgiveness- He is faithful and just to forgive you. He doesn't have stipulations, He doesn't constantly remind you of how you failed and how He forgave you. He simply forgives you. And better yet, He is always waiting for you to turn to Him and He is able to make the impossible and unimaginable manageable and absolutely logical.
The instant that I cried out to Him, that I admitted that I could not do this without Him- He gave me several names of people to contact. These contacts immediately led to transportation to youth group for my oldest son on Friday nights, a connection to a life group (mid week bible study) for me and the kids, offers for assistance with child care after school, daycare options, wonderful advise and the list goes on. Immediately, there was an overabundance of solutions to the point that I was able to thank people for their willingness but I truly didn't need all of the help!
I would like to add a serious caveat here- I do believe that the Lord helps people who help themselves. What I mean is that I have a willing spirit to help others, I have raised children who are respectful and enjoyable to be around, I had faith that the Lord would provide for me and my family and my faith had action. I didn't sit back and wait for the Lord to fix all of my problems. I cried out for the Lord to help my family and I listened for His will and I followed his instruction.
Everything isn't the way that I would have it. I am a planner and I would feel most comfortable if I had everything worked out for the next school year. But the Lord is teaching me that his grace for today is sufficient. If He is faithful to provide for my needs today than why would I question His ability to take care of my needs in September? I guess because I am human, He has not yet completed the good work that He started in me, and because He was undoubtedly speaking to me when He said oh yea of little faith!
Every ending leads me back to the beginning... How does my life reflect God's forgiveness? Poorly, I'm ashamed to admit. I am working on not hating my husband and I am beginning to understand that I don't have to like him or agree with the decisions that he is making. But I do need to forgive him. I am not at a place where I can forgive him and he is not at a place where he is asking for forgiveness. But God is always at a place where He is ready to forgive me. I have some work to do for sure... When I wonder where to look in the Bible for advice I inevitably end up in the Book of Ephesians because it is my most treasured Book of the Bible for some very complicated reasons. So I'll leave you with this passage:
Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:32 NLT
And this prayer: Dear Lord, you are so faithful to forgive me the moment that I ask. I immediately am surrounded by your love and peace. Help me to better reflect Your forgiveness in my life by readily and completely forgiving others. I ask for the assistance of your Holy Spirit because I know that I would not be able to forgive without Him. In Jesus name, amen.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Getting A Little Help From My Friends!
Thank God for girlfriends. I am so blessed by the women that God has brought into my life! I want to share some truths that some of the women I love most in the world have taught me...
Susie is my dearest friend. We have shared joys and sorrows and if we cannot count on each other to tell it like it is than we cannot count on anyone- I am sure. When I started to really process my desire to end my marriage I said to her that among so many other issues, my husband was a chronic under-achiever. Susie responded by saying, "Nic, I disagree. He landed you and that makes him the greatest over-achiever of our generation." And she meant what she said. She knows all of my secrets. She knows the good and the bad and she loves me just the same. Our friendship gives me a glimpse of what Christ's love is like. He knows our hearts and He loves us just the same. Her words touched me. She really wasn't trying to be unkind to my husband. Her point was that I am an achievement and she's absolutely right.
Melissa and I have been friends since 1991. Our friendship is truly low-maintenance. We don't find the time to get together often but when we are together we easily pick up where we last left off and I love that about us. Mel was divorced one year in December after being married for 15 years to her high school sweet-heart. She left a man who she loved with all her being, who she considers the love of her life because she was loosing him to his depression. I am sure that she can relate to all of the reasons why I could not remain in this marriage for another minute better than any other person. After my husband moved out of our home in January and our plan of how this would play out began to fall apart, Mel offered me advise that I treasure and that I often use to refocus my frustration with my husband. She said, "Nic, you are going to need to get to a place where all you expect from him is to be a father to his children which includes paying child support. You are going to need to let go of the notion that the two of you will continue to raise your children together and support each other. If you could not depend on him while you were married than why would you expect to be able to depend on him while you are divorcing?"
I guess that I have always had unrealistic expectations of my husband. Not that my expectations were unable to be met but rather that he was not ever going to be capable of meeting them.
Deb and I went to a small Christian high school together for about 2 years. We keep in touch from time to time. I love her very much. I was telling Deb about my divorce and my husband's behavior and how out of control he is right now and how I don't even recognize him- I don't even know who he is. Deb said, "Nic, we will each have to stand before the Lord one day and answer for our own behavior, our own actions, our own sin."
Her point was well taken and helped me to recenter myself in ways I'm not sure that I can explain. I am very aware of how I failed in my marriage. I could write for hours about all of the ways that my husband failed to meet my needs but in the end I just didn't love him. I can't say for sure if I ever loved him the way that a wife should love her husband but I can say that I have not loved him for many years. And I will answer for this and more someday. Deb spoke her words in love and what she was saying is that I can not control his behavior, prevent him from making mistakes or from breaking down emotionally. I can control my own behavior and more importantly that I need to control my own behavior.
Christa is my newest friend and our friendship is the first sign of spring in my life. Recovering from my marriage is like thawing from a deep freeze. I was devastated when I realized that my husband and I would not be able to remain friends. I believe that we both thought that we could. But the decisions that he is making will destroy any hope of us remaining friends and parenting our children together. Christa said, "Nic, it may never be as good as it could have been but it may be better than it is right now."
Her words restored some hope. I will not hate my husband but I am sure that we will never be friends. But maybe we will get to a place where it doesn't feel so personal, and the grief will subside.
I have more girlfriends and more advise to share but it will need to wait.
I'd like to close with a prayer: Lord, you search my heart and you know it well. Thank you for my girlfriends. Bless them for their advise, their support, their love. Thank you for their friendship and I ask you to protect them from my pain, grief and sadness. In Jesus name, amen
Susie is my dearest friend. We have shared joys and sorrows and if we cannot count on each other to tell it like it is than we cannot count on anyone- I am sure. When I started to really process my desire to end my marriage I said to her that among so many other issues, my husband was a chronic under-achiever. Susie responded by saying, "Nic, I disagree. He landed you and that makes him the greatest over-achiever of our generation." And she meant what she said. She knows all of my secrets. She knows the good and the bad and she loves me just the same. Our friendship gives me a glimpse of what Christ's love is like. He knows our hearts and He loves us just the same. Her words touched me. She really wasn't trying to be unkind to my husband. Her point was that I am an achievement and she's absolutely right.
Melissa and I have been friends since 1991. Our friendship is truly low-maintenance. We don't find the time to get together often but when we are together we easily pick up where we last left off and I love that about us. Mel was divorced one year in December after being married for 15 years to her high school sweet-heart. She left a man who she loved with all her being, who she considers the love of her life because she was loosing him to his depression. I am sure that she can relate to all of the reasons why I could not remain in this marriage for another minute better than any other person. After my husband moved out of our home in January and our plan of how this would play out began to fall apart, Mel offered me advise that I treasure and that I often use to refocus my frustration with my husband. She said, "Nic, you are going to need to get to a place where all you expect from him is to be a father to his children which includes paying child support. You are going to need to let go of the notion that the two of you will continue to raise your children together and support each other. If you could not depend on him while you were married than why would you expect to be able to depend on him while you are divorcing?"
I guess that I have always had unrealistic expectations of my husband. Not that my expectations were unable to be met but rather that he was not ever going to be capable of meeting them.
Deb and I went to a small Christian high school together for about 2 years. We keep in touch from time to time. I love her very much. I was telling Deb about my divorce and my husband's behavior and how out of control he is right now and how I don't even recognize him- I don't even know who he is. Deb said, "Nic, we will each have to stand before the Lord one day and answer for our own behavior, our own actions, our own sin."
Her point was well taken and helped me to recenter myself in ways I'm not sure that I can explain. I am very aware of how I failed in my marriage. I could write for hours about all of the ways that my husband failed to meet my needs but in the end I just didn't love him. I can't say for sure if I ever loved him the way that a wife should love her husband but I can say that I have not loved him for many years. And I will answer for this and more someday. Deb spoke her words in love and what she was saying is that I can not control his behavior, prevent him from making mistakes or from breaking down emotionally. I can control my own behavior and more importantly that I need to control my own behavior.
Christa is my newest friend and our friendship is the first sign of spring in my life. Recovering from my marriage is like thawing from a deep freeze. I was devastated when I realized that my husband and I would not be able to remain friends. I believe that we both thought that we could. But the decisions that he is making will destroy any hope of us remaining friends and parenting our children together. Christa said, "Nic, it may never be as good as it could have been but it may be better than it is right now."
Her words restored some hope. I will not hate my husband but I am sure that we will never be friends. But maybe we will get to a place where it doesn't feel so personal, and the grief will subside.
I have more girlfriends and more advise to share but it will need to wait.
I'd like to close with a prayer: Lord, you search my heart and you know it well. Thank you for my girlfriends. Bless them for their advise, their support, their love. Thank you for their friendship and I ask you to protect them from my pain, grief and sadness. In Jesus name, amen
Monday, February 5, 2007
The Wildman
So today I met with the Wildman- he is the pastoral councilor who I have been seeing since September to help me sort through my feelings about marriage, divorce and family of origin issues. I guess that I have learned over the past 15 years that if you do not respect yourself enough to be honest with yourself about your own culpability in your failed relationships than you will inevitably bring your unresolved issues into every relationship that you establish and continue to play them out. The decision to find a councilor was overwhelming because, well, it isn't that easy to find one who you connect with and who respects your beliefs. But moreover, I had no idea where to begin. Do you begin with family of origin issues, do you begin with issues that you brought into the marriage, do you begin with issues that the two of you have created during the marriage? I just didn't have any idea where to begin. The funny thing was that I just began where I was at the exact moment that I walked into his office and he really has been thoughtful, insightful and intelligent in his responses.
Today the Wildman and I talked about the very bad few weeks that I've had. We discussed the issue of control. I hate control; I hate that I am always in control and I really hate the instances when I allow myself to be briefly out of control and work diligently to regain a sense of control and centeredness...
One of the major reasons that I decided to end my marriage was because I had to be in control of everything or things would start to fall apart. I came across an email that I sent to my husband last year. I told him that I really just needed him to take more responsibility in our marriage, in our family and in our lives. He just wasn't able to. It's that simple and that complex all at the same time.
I resented having to control everything; I was exhausted from having to keep everything together- especially my husband. The control was killing everything good and lovely about me. And when he moved out in January I felt an overwhelming sense of peace- peace that passes all understanding- settle on my house, my life, my family. That's good right?
The interesting thing is that I was always in control and became very controlling. I kept him organized, functional, moving forward. When he broke down I called our health care provider to request medication be called in. And as much as I did not want that responsibility- I am finding it very difficult to relinquish that control.
Since he has moved out he has become incredibly manic. I had seen glimpses of mania during our marriage but I just worked that much harder to keep our lives under control. I am finding it very difficult to watch him self destruct. His decisions do continue to effect me as we are still married and we have children to parent. Before I made the decision to divorce I could not let him hit rock bottom. We were a family. Preventing him from hitting rock bottom created co-dependency!
So in summary- over the past two weeks I have realized that my husband doesn't simply have a major depressive disorder- he likely has manic depression, in spite of the fact that I hated and resented being in control of everything- all the time- I have become a control freak and somewhat co-dependent as allowing him to fail would mean that our family failed... It was an eventful session and a painful couple of weeks for sure.
Today the Wildman and I talked about the very bad few weeks that I've had. We discussed the issue of control. I hate control; I hate that I am always in control and I really hate the instances when I allow myself to be briefly out of control and work diligently to regain a sense of control and centeredness...
One of the major reasons that I decided to end my marriage was because I had to be in control of everything or things would start to fall apart. I came across an email that I sent to my husband last year. I told him that I really just needed him to take more responsibility in our marriage, in our family and in our lives. He just wasn't able to. It's that simple and that complex all at the same time.
I resented having to control everything; I was exhausted from having to keep everything together- especially my husband. The control was killing everything good and lovely about me. And when he moved out in January I felt an overwhelming sense of peace- peace that passes all understanding- settle on my house, my life, my family. That's good right?
The interesting thing is that I was always in control and became very controlling. I kept him organized, functional, moving forward. When he broke down I called our health care provider to request medication be called in. And as much as I did not want that responsibility- I am finding it very difficult to relinquish that control.
Since he has moved out he has become incredibly manic. I had seen glimpses of mania during our marriage but I just worked that much harder to keep our lives under control. I am finding it very difficult to watch him self destruct. His decisions do continue to effect me as we are still married and we have children to parent. Before I made the decision to divorce I could not let him hit rock bottom. We were a family. Preventing him from hitting rock bottom created co-dependency!
So in summary- over the past two weeks I have realized that my husband doesn't simply have a major depressive disorder- he likely has manic depression, in spite of the fact that I hated and resented being in control of everything- all the time- I have become a control freak and somewhat co-dependent as allowing him to fail would mean that our family failed... It was an eventful session and a painful couple of weeks for sure.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
A Word From Keith
I am a born-again Christian. I do realize that phrase may hold different connotations to people. You may be thinking that I'm a Jesus Freak- and to be really honest, I am. I love the Lord. However, I am not religious. Sounds a bit off perhaps but I have come to realize that I can never be religious enough for religious people and that I am very uncomfortable around religious people. But I do love Jesus Christ and I am so incredibly thankful for His grace as I find myself requiring it regularly.
Keith, our pastor, preached about what he believes is the foundation of all relationships. He referenced scriptures from Matthew and Romans as holding keys to relationships:
Keith, our pastor, preached about what he believes is the foundation of all relationships. He referenced scriptures from Matthew and Romans as holding keys to relationships:
Matthew 7:12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
Romans 13:8-12 Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.
Keith pressed on to outline some thoughts about specific wisdom for any given relational interaction and exchange. He suggested the following:
- What if your circumstances were reversed?
- As we mature in Christ, so will our response to others in any given situation
- When deciding how to respond it takes prayer, probing and honesty- I find honesty to be very challenging. I find it much easier to push aside how I am feeling to keep the peace but that peace is a false peace...
- Unfulfilled expectations kill love- spend some time praying about this one. The more that I meditate on this point the more that it cuts me...
- Even when the other person does not do unto me what I would have them do I still need to do good to them. We are not excused from our obligations to love our neighbors as ourselves under any circumstances- that is very powerful and convicting.
- We need God's grace, healing and power to accomplish this commandment. We will not be successful to this end with out the Holy Spirit working in us from the inside out and the bottom up.
- Living this way kills selfishness
- This is a key that will release heaven on earth. Spend some time contemplating how the application of these principles would change your relationships.
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