I'm going to be completely honest and say that it disgusts me that she has a blog where she publishes her most personal experiences, thoughts and feelings- for the world to read. According to her own blog- she is about as different from me as a woman could be. Quick case in point: When I was a visiting nurse I would walk into homes and find the pediatric patient playing a very disturbing video game called Grand Theft Auto- pointless violence. I would ask the kiddos to turn the video game off while I was there- it just isn't appropriate. This woman blogs about "Grand Theft Auto" weekends with her pre-adolescent son. It is concerning to me that she puts pictures of her children online. I think that she is a stupid girl for meeting a man online and taking what he says at face value with no way of knowing if the person that he is projecting is real. I think that it is a mistake to introduce your children to a man who you met online, who you don't really know and plan to marry after knowing him for 6 weeks. I wonder where her girlfriends are to tell her that it is not normal for a man to completely dedicate himself to you and walk away from his children after knowing you for 6 weeks.
And perhaps, if I was brutally honest with myself than I would admit that she is exactly the woman who I have always been so conscience of not being. She is the stereotype of the teenage mother whom I have dedicated my life to not becoming. I found myself reading things about her (in her own words) and thinking to myself, please Lord- that is exactly what I don't want to be. I can only imagine that dating is very complicated when you are a single mom. I don't ever want to be a stupid girl. I am so grateful for my girlfriends who would be fast and furious in their efforts to point out any red flag that I may not be quick in recognizing. Though, I can hardly imagine not being aware of the red flags. I respect myself and love my children too much to fall for some other woman's ex-husband- particularly without a good bit of convincing on his part that he is aware of and working on his own culpability in his failed relationship.
I don't understand why some women just can't seem to wait to scoop up another women's ex-husband. And my dearest friend is just one of those women. She has an ex-husband of her own. And I see her date one man after another who is somebodies ex-husband. And I see how these men treat her and their ex-wives. I watch her make endless excuses for their behavior. Oh how these ex-wives have done these men wrong! They just didn't understand these men, they didn't make them happy, they weren't supportive, they were demanding, they get a ridiculous amount of child support and the endless list of excuses made for somebody else's ex-husband goes on.
I have to admit that I am highly suspect of any man who is somebodies ex-husband. I find myself wondering... why is he her ex-husband and if she didn't want him than why would I? I will acknowledge that typically, both parties share culpability in a failed marriage. But in my experience, it is very rare that a woman walks away from her responsibilities as a mother and leaves a man to pick up the pieces and hold their broken family together. I would dare to say that proportionately, not very many mothers walk away- not many Mom's play the role of every other weekend "Disney Mom" who buys toys and feeds the kids pizza and candy and then dumps them off at home exhausted and in need of a bath.
Here are some thoughts, right off the top of my head, of where some other woman's ex-husband might try focusing if he was interested in me:
- What was your role in the break down of your marriage? Because I am not nearly as interested in hearing how she did you wrong, didn't meet your needs, didn't understand or support you as I am not contemplating dating her, right?
- What might you have done differently? What I really want to know is do you understand what you need to do differently?
- In what ways would a minimum amount of effort on your part have made a maximum amount of difference in your relationship? Ok, so it just didn't work between the two of you have you thought about how it might have?
- What lessons did you learn and what measures are you taking to ensure that you won't recreate unhealthy dynamics? I am not interested in recreating the role of your ex-wife.
- What are you looking for in any future relationships and what might you be hoping to avoid?
- How do you view your role in the life of your children? This is extremely important to me so think hard...
- What efforts have you made to make amends to your ex-wife for your culpability in your failed relationship? This is difficult, believe me I understand...
- What is your commitment to the family that you created with the mother of your children? I want to respect you, I'm not needy and I support whatever time you need to spend with them.
- I am paying very close attention to how you refer to the mother of your children, your opinion of her, your attitude towards her, how you describe her, your level of respect, your support for her and your children. Please hold me accountable as well.
- We all have reasons to feel bitter and it is easy enough to let that bitterness shade your future relationships. I notice when you seem bitter and are blaming. Life experience has taught me that the more defensive a person is the greater their responsibility in the problem. What I really want to know is how self-aware are you? Can you recognize when your being petty?
- Did you divorce your wife or did your divorce your whole family? I want to know if you are committed to co-parenting.
- Are you paying child support with the same spirit that Christ called us to tithe? Our money already belongs to him- he is just asking that we give 10% back. Your money already belongs to your children- child support is simply giving them money that is already theirs. Do you feel like child support covers it or do you ask how you can help? Is it getting cold and do you think about whether your children need new winter clothes? Do you think about buying new clothes, shoes and school supplies for back to school?
- Do you check in to see if your children and their mother are ok after a blizzard? Do you offer to help with chores that where your responsibility? This is an important one. If you don't want your ex-wife to move another man into your home to live with your children than are you doing your part to ensure that she doesn't feel like she has to?
I will soon be the ex-wife of two men so please believe me when I say that I am anticipating some pretty tough questions when I am ready to start dating. I am doing the work now to try and figure out the answers to some of your questions and my questions as well...
The word says:I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it for me!
Matthew 25:40 NLT
Jesus replied, "The most important commandment is this" 'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these.
Mark 12:29-31 NLT
My prayer is:
Dear Lord Jesus, I ask that you help me to be discerning and not judgemental. Remind me that your Father is not a respecter of persons. Remind me that what I do to the least I do to you. Remind me that your second greatest commandment is to love my neighbor as myself. I ask you to complete the good work that you began in me. In Jesus name, amen.
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