A Pivotal Intersection

My children are with their fathers and I can slow down and focus on myself. I slept in a bit, I didn't drive to the bus stop with a towel on my head, I didn't check to make sure every one really brushed their teeth and actually had clean socks on, I didn't rush to get out the door, I didn't start to worry at the end of the day that I may be running late, I stopped to get Chinese food, I didn't go grocery shopping this week. I found myself smiling because I only have to think about myself. But truth be known, I start to miss the bickering, the yelling, the crying, the hustle and bustle of having kids, the frustration of having somebody always yelling Mom and never taking a breath to wait for an answer, the very moment that they go away. I thinks that's a Mom thing right?

Last Tuesday I stood at a pivotal intersection in my journey through divorce. I mentioned that I spent the day crying and aching. There were a lot of raw emotions. I realize as I look back, with some distance between myself and that day, that I was reconciling myself to the painful reality that my husband is to my younger children what my ex-husband is to my oldest son.

I spent that Tuesday letting go of what I had hoped for my little children. I had hoped that we would divorce well. I had hoped that my husband would remain available to them to be their daddy. I had hoped that we would continue to parent our children together. I had hoped that our children would come first because they are children. I had hoped that my husband would continue to coach their teams. I had hoped that he would share custody with me for our children's sake.

I understood on Tuesday that wasn't the situation. The situation is that my husband is not actively involved in our children's lives while he is living less than a mile down the road and working only 4 days a week. My husband is committed to finding comfort for his pain in another woman and her family. My husband will likely relocate by the end of the summer independent of whether he gets the job he was hoping for. My husband has embraced the notion, believed the falsehood that he will be able to start over again and be the man that he is trying so desperately to reinvent himself as. My husband is hoping that if he believes hard enough that chasing his happiness will ultimately be what is best for our children than it will be so. My husband believes that the peace that he is experiencing is a spiritual experience and I would have to agree with him but I would add that every thing that is spiritual is not of the Lord.

So how do you know? How do you know if the peace that you are feeling is from the Lord or if it is a false peace that comes from principalities? Kent said on Sunday that you hold it up to the bible, which is our plumb line. I agree with him. I would add that you seek the advice of godly people which is different than religious people. You need to proceed with caution being sure that you are providing these people a realistic view of your circumstances and you also need to be faithful not to advice shop until you eventually find someone who will tell you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. Lastly, I would say that you need to pray and wait on the Lord.

Here's the thing, I know how to parent children when their father is undependable and makes poor choices. My oldest son's father has helped me to perfect parenting a child without bashing or belittling his father even though I detest every thing about him. I have become very skilled at saying, I'm sorry that you miss your daddy, I'm sorry that your daddy did that. I am skilled at affirming his feelings while being mindful not to bash his father to him.

I just never thought that I would have to use all of the skills that I have learned over the past 16 years with my younger children. I learned many years ago that children are very wise and when left to figure situations out they do. By the time my oldest son was 3 he understood more about the reality of his father than anything that I could have told him. Our children live that reality- they know it well. And this is why I can say to my husband without a bit of doubt or hesitation that walking away to chase his happiness will never be what is best for our children. Our children will never feel that having him leave was worth the price of loosing him. It just won't balance out that way.

While I was wrestling with the decision to divorce, my oldest son said to me that he was afraid that my younger son would be just like my husband. My son was noticing their common personality traits. He said that if my younger son ever acts like my husband than he will not sit back and watch but rather confront him. (Honestly, I think that his words were more or less that he would kick his butt but nonetheless...) I acknowledged that Jack and his dad have similar personalities much like he and his father have similar personalities. I noted that even though he had some very similar traits as his father, he wasn't his father. I wondered if he understood why. He smiled and said because of you. I said that although my husband and my ex-husband are different men and were raised in very different families neither of them possess the ability to talk about their feelings, acknowledge their feelings or be self-aware. I pointed out to my son that both he and his brother have those skills and those skills will be what make them different from their fathers. And I acknowledged that yes, in our family, we do not support inappropriate behavior, we confront it, we own it, we are accountable for it and most importantly, we take responsibility for it .

From the Word:

Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.

1 Corinthians 7:24

A prudent person foresees the danger ahead and takes precautions; the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.

Proverbs 22:3 NLT

My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, my husband is listening to the voice that is whispering in his ear. Father, I ask you speak loudly and clearly to his heart. Lord God, leave no room for misinterpretations, cause him to fall to his knees like Moses did at the burning bush and know that what he is hearing is the will of God. Father, like wise, I pray for myself, help me to foresee the dangers that are ahead and take precautions. Holy Spirit, give me your sight so that I do not walk blindly and suffer the consequences. In Jesus name, amen.