Thank God for girlfriends. I am so blessed by the women that God has brought into my life! I want to share some truths that some of the women I love most in the world have taught me...
Susie is my dearest friend. We have shared joys and sorrows and if we cannot count on each other to tell it like it is than we cannot count on anyone- I am sure. When I started to really process my desire to end my marriage I said to her that among so many other issues, my husband was a chronic under-achiever. Susie responded by saying, "Nic, I disagree. He landed you and that makes him the greatest over-achiever of our generation." And she meant what she said. She knows all of my secrets. She knows the good and the bad and she loves me just the same. Our friendship gives me a glimpse of what Christ's love is like. He knows our hearts and He loves us just the same. Her words touched me. She really wasn't trying to be unkind to my husband. Her point was that I am an achievement and she's absolutely right.
Melissa and I have been friends since 1991. Our friendship is truly low-maintenance. We don't find the time to get together often but when we are together we easily pick up where we last left off and I love that about us. Mel was divorced one year in December after being married for 15 years to her high school sweet-heart. She left a man who she loved with all her being, who she considers the love of her life because she was loosing him to his depression. I am sure that she can relate to all of the reasons why I could not remain in this marriage for another minute better than any other person. After my husband moved out of our home in January and our plan of how this would play out began to fall apart, Mel offered me advise that I treasure and that I often use to refocus my frustration with my husband. She said, "Nic, you are going to need to get to a place where all you expect from him is to be a father to his children which includes paying child support. You are going to need to let go of the notion that the two of you will continue to raise your children together and support each other. If you could not depend on him while you were married than why would you expect to be able to depend on him while you are divorcing?"
I guess that I have always had unrealistic expectations of my husband. Not that my expectations were unable to be met but rather that he was not ever going to be capable of meeting them.
Deb and I went to a small Christian high school together for about 2 years. We keep in touch from time to time. I love her very much. I was telling Deb about my divorce and my husband's behavior and how out of control he is right now and how I don't even recognize him- I don't even know who he is. Deb said, "Nic, we will each have to stand before the Lord one day and answer for our own behavior, our own actions, our own sin."
Her point was well taken and helped me to recenter myself in ways I'm not sure that I can explain. I am very aware of how I failed in my marriage. I could write for hours about all of the ways that my husband failed to meet my needs but in the end I just didn't love him. I can't say for sure if I ever loved him the way that a wife should love her husband but I can say that I have not loved him for many years. And I will answer for this and more someday. Deb spoke her words in love and what she was saying is that I can not control his behavior, prevent him from making mistakes or from breaking down emotionally. I can control my own behavior and more importantly that I need to control my own behavior.
Christa is my newest friend and our friendship is the first sign of spring in my life. Recovering from my marriage is like thawing from a deep freeze. I was devastated when I realized that my husband and I would not be able to remain friends. I believe that we both thought that we could. But the decisions that he is making will destroy any hope of us remaining friends and parenting our children together. Christa said, "Nic, it may never be as good as it could have been but it may be better than it is right now."
Her words restored some hope. I will not hate my husband but I am sure that we will never be friends. But maybe we will get to a place where it doesn't feel so personal, and the grief will subside.
I have more girlfriends and more advise to share but it will need to wait.
I'd like to close with a prayer: Lord, you search my heart and you know it well. Thank you for my girlfriends. Bless them for their advise, their support, their love. Thank you for their friendship and I ask you to protect them from my pain, grief and sadness. In Jesus name, amen
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