A Bitter Pill

Christa warned me that today, so I will warn you, that I sound bitter and I freely admitted that today, I am bitter. So I think that I will start by confessing some of things that I am bitter about. I am bitter about the fact that this divorce is not unfolding the way that my husband and I had discussed. I am bitter that my husband has become so consumed with his own needs and his new relationship to the extent that the needs of our family have fallen into his periphery. I am bitter that he sits on the couch in my home watching our children until I get home from work, and chooses to not start a fire to both warm the house and the children. I am bitter that I paid down the credit card that I gave him because he would not have the income to pay it down himself and he has charged almost $4000 in the 6 weeks that he has been out of our home, mostly on the expenses of having a new relationship. But mostly, I am bitter that my children are going to be exposed to and effected by the poor choices that my husband is making. I am bitter that he believes that God is responsible for him walking out on his responsibilities to our family.

I didn't want sole custody. I wanted to co-parent. I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and say that I have something coming up and ask if he could keep the kids and reciprocate the favor. I understand that he thinks that he has found his soul mate, that God has brought them together, that he is going to marry this woman. I also understand that he is still married, that she is very rough around the edges, that she has 3 teenagers who he has already met and that she is not the type of person who I would want to babysit my children let alone be involved in their lives. And I especially do not want my husband to expose our children to his girlfriend and her children when I feel like the situation will inevitably implode...

I have learned so many lesson from my first divorce. We did not divorce well, we have fought for the past 15 years. We were headed back to court as recently as 2 years ago. My ex-husband married a woman who had 3 children. The situation was less than ideal. It did effect my oldest son very much. When faced with a choice between Kaleb and his wife, Kaleb's father chose his new wife and her 3 children. So this situation with my husband feels very familiar. I understand that I have no control over who he decides to be with or who he decides to expose our children to. But I do know this- our children are not ready to meet their dad's new girlfriend and her children. And truthfully, I am not ready to have to deal with this. It is just too soon.

The Word says:

He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13, 19-22

My prayer is:

Dear Lord, I ask you to protect my children from my husbands poor choices. I seal their hearts and their minds in Jesus name. I cut them off from the effects of my husbands manic behavior in Jesus name. I ask you to give your angles charge over my children, oh Lord, to seal them from chaos and exposure to lifestyles that are very different from our own. In Jesus name, amen.