A Very Long Day

I spent yesterday crying and as you know- I hate to cry. I literally cried on and off throughout the entire day. And I was so exhausted. My husband and I had a significant argument before I left for work- as we were exchanging our daughter. He said some very hurtful things. After 13 years together we certainly have become authorities on how to hurt each other. The bottom line for me is that I am devastated that he replaced me and our children with another woman and her children so quickly and apparently, so easily. I can intellectualize the reasons why he did this but none of the reasons make it hurt any less.

I sent him the following email:
I think that what I was trying to say on the phone is that in my heart, I am still your wife. I sit in church and I feel so guilty that we couldn't make it work and I don't believe in divorce. And yet I know that our marriage was killing me and certainly now- there is no going back and likely there was never any going back. But how did you know for certain? How did you know to the extent that you were willing to be with another woman so soon? I suppose that divorce is a process and at some point I won't feel like your wife anymore and I will open my heart to being another man's girl. And that both gives me so much hope and some sadness as well. And I will choose differently with all of the life lessons that I have under my belt. And I don't understand how you can be ready to date again and then again- I can completely understand how you could be ready to date again. I know that it wasn't good. I remember cringing when you touched me but it wasn't because I didn't love you and it wasn't because I wasn't your wife in my heart it was because I felt like I lost you a long time ago to an affair with depression. I wonder if you have any idea how it broke my heart that you used the goalie picture of yourself in college on your myspace page. That boy in the goal- I loved him, I believed in him, I wanted him, I couldn't keep my hands off of him. And when that boy was in that net- I was sitting in the stands with a little boy and we loved that keeper. I just don't know how you could be so sure- right out of the door. I guess that you are either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish and only time will tell. Don't you think that I wanted a marriage where I couldn't wait to get home and rip my husbands clothes off? I wanted a marriage where I could take a deep breath and sink into my husbands arms and not be in control. I wanted a lot of things Mitch. And I do trust in the Lord that I will find all of those qualities in a relationship someday when my heart is ready. But in the mean time, I am still your wife, after 13 years- I don't know how to be anything else. And I am watching my family fall apart and that is devastating me. And most days I don't even think about you but sometimes- like today, I miss my husband- the man that I would catch a glimpse of from time to time...

I don't miss living with him- I'm not sure that I really miss him... But in my heart, I am still his wife. I don't really know how to not be his wife. I am certain that it is a process and that at some point I will stop being loyal to our marriage but then again- I have some doubts about that. I told him that I don't understand how he could be with another woman so quickly. Doesn't it feel like cheating? I mean, we are still married and it has only been 7 weeks since he move out.

His response was basically that he was devastated that I asked for a divorce and basically decided that he could move forward remaining miserable or he could view this as an opportunity to rediscover his true self. He added that he was really enjoying remembering and rediscovering his true self, that he wasn't his true self during out 10 years of marriage and that he was sorry for that because what I ended up with in him was not what I signed up for.

Pretty well, what he is saying is that he could not handle the responsibilities of being a husband and father. He could not handle having to work a real job that could support a family. He often appeared to be put out by the children. Let's take Christmas- it is my favorite holiday. I absolutely love Christmas. I grew up in a home where we had very few meaningful traditions. I have established many traditions in my own family. I organize the month of December with an advent calender. I buy the kids a new ornament that we always unwrap on the 10th. There are certain activities that they look forward to. My priority was always the children. Every year my husband would be depressed (I know, a huge surprise!) because the children would have so many gifts and basically- he wouldn't. This drove me crazy! We are adults after all. I always felt like we would have enough money, someday, to buy nice gifts for each other but in the mean time, we would buy for our children. I felt like Christmas was yet another occasion for my husband to act like a baby.

Whatever the reason- yesterday I missed my husband. I was devastated that he has replaced us with another woman and her children. I was feeling very alone and yet absolutely aware that I am not ready to even contemplate moving forward and especially unable to think about dating. And I was so upset and disgusted with my husband. I realize that it is hateful and sinful but I am having a very hard time moving past the fact that he is dating, sleeping with and talking about marriage to a woman who is everything that I have worked so hard not to be. He has found a stereotypical teenage mother and scooped her up and I hate that! I hate even more that he says things like he is putting his life in God's hands and feels comforted by this. How can walking away from your family, having an affair, being irresponsible bring you any peace or comfort? I cannot comprehend that.

I received a much needed reminder that God rules his creation. Nothing is outside his authority—not even my husband. No person is placed in a position outside of God's will. This can be a great comfort when we see people act in ways that we cannot comprehend- in ways that make no sense to us, especially people with whom we do not agree.

From the Word:

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed than you would see the Glory of God?"

John 11:40

The king's (my husband's) heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord; he turns it wherever he pleases.
Proverbs 21:1 NLT

My Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, I believe in you with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind. I am looking for and placing my hope for the future in God's glory. I do believe that all of your creation is directed by you and subject to your Divine will. Thank you for reminding me that my husband does not exist outside of your influence or will. And I praise you for that amazing truth. In Jesus name, amen.