My Future Is In Your Hands.

I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands.Psalm 31:10, 14-15

As I process these words from Psalms I am aware that they describe my experience of being married while I struggled with the decision to divorce. Since moving forward with the divorce I don't feel like I'm dying from grief, or that my life is shortened by sadness, or that I am wasting away from within. I can remember explaining to the Wildman that this marriage was killing everything good and lovely about me... My husbands misery, mania, lack of purpose and inability to concentrate are no longer draining my strength. It occurred to me the other day that I haven't needed to use Excedrin for migraines in a really long time. During the fall, I was using it 2-3 times a day with variable effect. Hmm, tension head ache. And I do believe that my future is in the Lord's hands.

I am reading the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. Because I want to rediscover hope in my life, I figured that any devotional with Hope in the title was good right? She writes about grief and loss. I am proficient in these areas being a hospice nurse. The interesting thing about grief is that it's effects are cumulative and we talk a good deal about the cumulative effects of grief. Here's a practical example: I found myself at the funeral of a man in town who I knew publicly but not personally. I found myself sobbing during his funeral to the extent that I was wondering why? Why sobbing? True, his loss was sad but I certainly didn't know him well enough to be sobbing. And I realized that I was sobbing because of the cumulative losses, because of all of the funerals that I have attended and all of the faces that I remember when I close my eyes.

The thing about grief is that it is very transferable. You can grieve the loss of a loved one be it to death, relocation or a falling out. There was a five year period of time that I did not speak to my dearest friend. I thought about our falling out from time to time but I was always conscious of the toll of grief on my heart- it was heavy.

I received a lovely note from a neighbor who I really don't know. She is in the process of divorcing as well. I was so blessed by her ability to reach out from the midst of her own grief to extend offers to help me and the kids in anyway possible. I will carry her kind words with me for sure.

Dear Lord, thank you that grief is a process and help me to recognize it's cumulative effect. I am so grateful that You hold my future in Your hands; this knowledge brings me peace. In Jesus name amen.