We had four months to work through how we would parent and raise our children together. We knew that things would change for the children and that they would be effected by this decision but we were committed to divorcing well. As naive as this may sound to you- I believed in the plans that we made with all of my heart. I did think that I could divorce his depression and anger and all of the reasons that our marriage of almost 10 years just didn't work and at the same time remain committed to the family that we created. As you may be able to imagine that lasted for almost one week after my husband moved into his own apartment.
At some point during week number two out of our home he emailed me at work to let me know that he knew this wasn't going to make me happy and he knew it wasn't going to work for me but he was planning to take a job and relocate to a different state in New England. He was worried about the effect that this decision would have on our children and he wasn't sure how involved he would be able to be in their lives but he was going to try. He had to believe that doing what was best for him would ultimately be best for them.
I was blindsided to say the least. I burst into tears at work and if I haven't mentioned this yet- I don't ever cry, I just don't. I was so overwhelmed. I had no idea how I would be able to work enough to support our three children, keep them in their home- let alone any home, be available as their only parent day in and day out, get them to any- never mind all, of their extracurricular activities and oh yeah that- get through grad school. I am working on a pediatric nurse practitioner degree so you may be able to imagine that it does require a good deal of effort and time. And those were only a few of the worries that were whirling around in my head. I knew that I would turn myself inside out to be everything that the children needed but I also was well aware that there would not be enough time in the day to get it all done. That was just the reality of my situation.
How could he walk away from them? We just sat down together, less than a week ago, and told our children that yes, this was painful and very sad and things would change however, some things would stay the same... and we outlined some of the things that they could count on to stay the same. Oh Lord- nothing would be the same. I was not prepared to divorce our family; should I have stayed in this marriage? And the resounding answer was no, nope, noway. The marriage was killing everything good and lovely about me. I could not spend another minute living with this man who was chronically and increasingly depressed. Whose worsening anger caused him to increasingly yell and rage. Who had become so out of control that our oldest son, 15, looked at me and asked me why I put up with my husband...
Ok Lord, so I cannot stay in this marriage and I cannot do this on my own. That is a very difficult and bitter truth for me to acknowledge. Because I truly can handle just about anything. I will work harder, get up earlier, stay up later- I will make it happen. I will choose to be satisfied. But here I am Lord and I am at a point where I have no alternative but to admit to you and to myself that I will need help. And that isn't even the most terrifying part of this. I will need to reach out to people for help, I will have to ask for help and than figure out how to accept it. Have you ever notice that when you are stubborn and self-sufficient that the Lord needs to allow you to exhaust all of your personal resources before you are finally willing to fall to your knees and call out to Him? If so, than perhaps you have also noticed that the moment you call out to Him, that you repent of your sin and ask for forgiveness- He is faithful and just to forgive you. He doesn't have stipulations, He doesn't constantly remind you of how you failed and how He forgave you. He simply forgives you. And better yet, He is always waiting for you to turn to Him and He is able to make the impossible and unimaginable manageable and absolutely logical.
The instant that I cried out to Him, that I admitted that I could not do this without Him- He gave me several names of people to contact. These contacts immediately led to transportation to youth group for my oldest son on Friday nights, a connection to a life group (mid week bible study) for me and the kids, offers for assistance with child care after school, daycare options, wonderful advise and the list goes on. Immediately, there was an overabundance of solutions to the point that I was able to thank people for their willingness but I truly didn't need all of the help!
I would like to add a serious caveat here- I do believe that the Lord helps people who help themselves. What I mean is that I have a willing spirit to help others, I have raised children who are respectful and enjoyable to be around, I had faith that the Lord would provide for me and my family and my faith had action. I didn't sit back and wait for the Lord to fix all of my problems. I cried out for the Lord to help my family and I listened for His will and I followed his instruction.
Everything isn't the way that I would have it. I am a planner and I would feel most comfortable if I had everything worked out for the next school year. But the Lord is teaching me that his grace for today is sufficient. If He is faithful to provide for my needs today than why would I question His ability to take care of my needs in September? I guess because I am human, He has not yet completed the good work that He started in me, and because He was undoubtedly speaking to me when He said oh yea of little faith!
Every ending leads me back to the beginning... How does my life reflect God's forgiveness? Poorly, I'm ashamed to admit. I am working on not hating my husband and I am beginning to understand that I don't have to like him or agree with the decisions that he is making. But I do need to forgive him. I am not at a place where I can forgive him and he is not at a place where he is asking for forgiveness. But God is always at a place where He is ready to forgive me. I have some work to do for sure... When I wonder where to look in the Bible for advice I inevitably end up in the Book of Ephesians because it is my most treasured Book of the Bible for some very complicated reasons. So I'll leave you with this passage:
Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:32 NLT
And this prayer: Dear Lord, you are so faithful to forgive me the moment that I ask. I immediately am surrounded by your love and peace. Help me to better reflect Your forgiveness in my life by readily and completely forgiving others. I ask for the assistance of your Holy Spirit because I know that I would not be able to forgive without Him. In Jesus name, amen.
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