Me And My Boy

There was a cartoon that my oldest son watched when he was in preschool and I believe that it was called Busy Town. In any event, there were brothers and one of the boys had a cheerful personality and one of the boys was very disagreeable. My middle son is certainly a combination of these brothers but I have had to chuckle over the past 8 years of his life because there are times that he is absolutely disagreeable.

My middle son was a very difficult baby. I had him 7 years after my oldest son who had been a very easy baby (as if he had much of a choice right, considering I was 18!). My middle son cried for the first 7 months of his life. The pediatrician said that he had colic but he had more than just colic. If he was awake than he was screaming. He screamed so much that it literally became back ground noise to our family. I don't recall ever feeling angry with him; there was never a time when I felt like I needed to just shut him up.

I do recall that I had a very difficult time bonding with him. I was so close to my oldest son and here was this baby who I had so anticipated yet all he did was scream. Nursing him was a nightmare. He would scream and scream and I would have to firmly pat his back and bottom during every feeding. There were many nights that I laid in bed and cried to my husband that I just didn't feel a bond to this child. He was the type of kid that would have gone home with anyone.

When he learned to roll it was like a switch went off in him head and the screaming stopped. Suddenly, after 7 months of screaming- there was silence. That is until he learned how to say "no".

He has always been a sensitive, gentle and caring boy. I can remember our first parent teacher conference when he was in nursery school. The teacher went on and on about how calm he was and how good he was. I remember my husband and I got out to the parking lot and hesitated to ask each other if she knew that we were Jack's parents... He is a wonderful friend to everyone. I have never met a child who wasn't Jack's best friend. And when children are mean- my son has the ability to rationalize why they may be behaving that way. He will often say to me that so and so was not being nice today but he will add, you know mom- I don't think he has a very good life at home. In first grade, his teacher told us that there is a time of day where kids have to pair up and he picks names out of a jar. He said that no matter which child it was, when they found out that they were paired with our son they would yell, "yes!". He is just that type of kid.

I think that the reason that it was such a surprise to hear how well adjusted our son was at school was because there were definitely some behaviors that we had noticed at home that were concerning. Homework was a battle to end all battles. When I ask him to clean his room he will refuse and when given the option of cleaning or loosing all of his toys he will often choose to loose his belongings. I had to drag him out of bed in the morning and force him to go to school for most of first and second grade. But once we pulled in- he was fine. Thankfully, this is a rare instance in third grade.

He will dig his heels in and battle every step of the way. By the end of first grade I realized that he suffered from anxiety and considering my husband has anxiety and I am a worrier... that didn't surprise me. I found myself saying to my 5 year old daughter on more than one occasion when she was mimicking my son's disagreeable behavior, "come on, I expect more from you.". The impact of this statement hit me hard. The reality is that I do expect more of my 5 year old than I do of my 8 year old at times.

The interesting thing about my son is that he can work himself up to yelling and screaming. I may have to assist him in hand over hand activities some times but in the end, he always sincerely apologizes.

My son's personality is very similar to my husband's and I have noticed for many years that my extreme frustration with him is often transferred frustration with my husband. Of my 3 children, I was the most concerned about telling my middle son that we were divorcing. And do you know- he is the child who has honestly handled the divorce the best. He talks when he needs to talk and he has otherwise been ok. His disagreeable behaviors have significantly decreased to the point that I feel like some of his most concerning behavior was in response to the tension in our home. He has amazed me really.

My son and I are developing a bond that we haven't had before. I am finding myself able to relate to him for the first time in 8 years. I feel like I am getting to know who he really is. And I feel so blessed.

Today I was getting my youngest children ready to go spend 4 days with my husband and his parents. At one point, my son sat down and said that he didn't really want to go for 4 days. I kneeled down in front of where he was sitting so that we were at eye level. I told him that I love him very much. I told him that I always miss him when he is gone but that I love that he will get to spend time with his dad and his grandparents. I told him that no matter what, I would always be here and would never go anywhere. I made a point to add that I wasn't trying to say that his dad wouldn't always be here but rather to reassure him that I always would. He doesn't have to worry about me going anywhere. He said that he understood and he certainly seemed to really understand my point.

This was a very special moment with my very special son.

From the Word:

The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he understands how weak we are; he knows we are only dust.

Psalm 103:13-14


My Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, I love these versus! Thank you for understanding how weak we are and knowing that we are only dust. Thank you Father for my middle son. Thank you for the calmness that I see in him. Lord, I know that this calmness is your gift to him just as he is your gift to me. Help me to be quick to reassure him that we are going to be okay and help him to believe my words. Bring dependable men into his life Lord who reflect your love. I ask that you seal his heart from his familial anxiety and give him peace in the knowledge that you have a father heart. In Jesus name, amen.