Yesterday, I Missed My Friend

It has been a very long week since my last entry. Last night I found myself on the phone with a friend that I share with my husband. And I was sad, and I was angry, and I was hurt, and I was wounded, and I was scared for my husband. And I cried. I ended the phone call, which lasted too long, with more tears and I heard myself say that sometimes I simply miss my friend.

I don't miss being married; I don't miss being his wife; I don't miss living with a man who is chronically depressed and unmotivated. But, sometimes, I miss my friend and I grieve the loss of our friendship and the loss of the man that I knew. Because, I don't even recognize this man. I don't know him and honestly, I don't like the man that I see. I used to be disgusted by his depression and now I am disgusted by who he has become.

My husband has become so utterly consumed by his new relationship- to the extent that everything and more sadly, everyone, else has blended into his periphery. Where before he had no direction or ambition- now he has embraced her dreams and is trying to make them his own. Emotionally, it is painful to wonder why he couldn't embrace my dreams and more painful yet to wonder if I ever really shared my dreams with him. Somewhere along the way, I stopped having dreams and hope ceased, being easily replaced by responsibilities and the need to keep everything- my husband, my family, our life, together. Intellectually, I recognize that what he is doing is trying to reestablish a codependent relationship.

The Wildman said that the experience of falling in love, the emotion of it, has been likened to temporary insanity. And that is something that I cannot relate to because I have never given myself completely over to the notion of love- with the exception of my children. I have never really known a man who has inspired the sort of confidence in me where I could blindly give myself over to the idea of us. This couples itself to the reality that I committed myself to being Kaleb's mother when I was 18 and far too young to have experienced lasting love.

I happened upon a song by Keith Urban called Memories of Us. It really is a beautiful song. A gift from the Lord to encourage and strengthen my hope that someday, when I am able to recognize and accept it- there will be a man who I can blindly trust, who I can trust my whole heart to, who challenges me to be a better person, a stronger Christian. A man among men who earns my trust by building memories of us- Keith's words not mine.

The author of Lamentations says it this way:
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:21-26

Dear Lord Jesus, I ask that you watch over my friend whom I miss. Help him to find you so that he is able to find himself. I ask you to calm his soul and his mind; bring him your peace and your rest. Father, I ask that you restore hope to my life. I sense your hope, Holy Spirit, as it blows through my life, restoring possibilities that were lost along this crocked path. Be my companion and guide and lead me into arms that are dependable and strong enough to hold me. In Jesus name, amen!